Does this Baby Shower Make My Ass Look Big?

Here are two ways to determine if your caboose has been let loose too long with the Hostess Chocolate cupcakes that they sell at the gas station across the street:

1. Knowing your hips are too wide to make it between your chair and your couch, you turn to walk sideways, mistakenly thinking this creates a thinner wake to squeeze between the furniture. As you pass the TV tray next to the couch, YOUR BIG ASS sweeps the half full bottle of root beer over and pours the sugary brown liquid all over the TV tray and your carpet.

2. Go to a baby shower and play the guessing game of how big around the mother-to-be's belly is. You have to cut off a length of ribbon that you think represents the circumference of the belly. You think that since the mother is skinny, you could just wrap the ribbon around YOUR BIG ASS and that will probably be about right. Your ribbon is taped to the wall with the others and you find out you've overshot the correct answer by many many inches.