Mildred Yelling went missing last Friday while on vacation in New York City. Her travel companion, Margaret Andrews, claims she lost Yelling in a bar near Times Square.
“I can’t believe in a town with, like, lots of people, that no one knows where Millie is. It’s not like I lost my cell phone, people. I lost my voice!” Andrews said. In a written statement.
Andrews appeared on NBC’s Good Morning Manhattan, tearfully appealing to the public for the return of her friend.
“Please,” said Andrews via Bob Dylan-like cue cards. “If anyone knows… the whereabouts of… my beloved Millie,… call the authorities…. No questions asked.”
Andrews, who writes for the unreasonably popular blog, Nanny Goats in Panties, recently took out a $46 million life insurance policy on Yelling, but denies any wrong doing.
“It’s all these loud-ass bars,” said Andrews in a press conference while holding up her latest book, Sticky Readers. “It’s louder than a hoe-down at a lawn mower convention. I’m certain that’s what got her. Also? Be sure and include a simile in your blog posts, as I mention in Chapter 12 of my new book, Sticky Readers.”
While Yelling’s family claims the pair met online, Andrews refutes it saying they’ve known each other all their lives.
“Millie and I go way back,” said Andrews. “I raised her.”
Despite a gag order, Andrews told reporters yesterday about the events leading up to Yelling’s disappearance.
“There we were, screaming like lunatics down 9th Ave., hopping from one loud bar to the next. One New York minute, she was right next to me, having the time of her life singing at the top of my lungs to some Lady Gaga number, and the next New York minute, she just…vanished.”
In the bar where Yelling was last heard, Hogster Wilde, Andrews and Yelling were crowd-surfing on the dance floor toward the DJ booth. Andrews claims she suddenly had to powder her nose, but when she came back, Yelling was nowhere to be found.
Other bar patrons admit that the surf can get a little rough in the Hell’s Kitchen establishment, but no one saw anything unusual that night.
In a yet-to-be-aired interview with CNN’s Fierce Trojan, Andrews is asked how she’s feeling. According to field reporter Flash “Trenchcoat” Pervmeyer, who happened to be on set during the taping, Andrews said she was sore and raspy.
“More sexy-like, I’d say,” said Pervmeyer, fiddling with his buttons. “You know that broad married to Phil Donahue? Whatshername? She sounded like that girl.”
While no one has been officially charged, Andrews has been named as a person of interest. At least, that’s what Pervmeyer said.
What seems to baffle most of the talking heads on Nancy Grace and other wildly-speculating and rush-to-judgment TV shows is that Andrews hopped on a plane back to California on Sunday, a mere two days after Yelling’s disappearance. Random callers into these shows also suspect foul play.
“What?” said Andrews, her eyes darting from reporter to reporter on the steps of the lavish Plaza Hotel, as paparazzi camera bulbs exploded like in those old timey movies. “My trip was scheduled that way all along.” Andrews then jumped into a limousine presumably headed for the airport.
Critics aren’t buying the “planned all along” theory.
“Margaret has a history of ‘losing voices’,” said childhood rival, Bernice Envy, turning green as she spoke. “I wouldn’t be surprised to see her with a new voice next week, acting like nothing ever happened. Spending that $46 mil. You just watch.”
If this reporter could squeeze in a quick editorial, Ms. Envy looked like she’d been rode hard and put away wet. In fact, this reporter thinks Ms. Envy has a chip on her shoulder and should have spent more time in school and less time scoring crack and sleeping with other people’s boyfriends. During 4th grade. The slag.
Anyway, witnesses with any information on the night in question are asked to call 1(800)-KOF-DROP or leave a comment below.
I would like to thank all of you who voted for NGIP in the CBS Local Most Valuable Blogger Awards for 2011. We won! Woo hoo!
