So the male half of my marriage and I are down for the count, horking and sneezing and blowing and hacking and honking. We’re all congesty-like.
Since I’m the one who most resembles that of a warm-bodied breathing human, it was my job to crawl out of the house to get drugs. Specifically, our decongestant of choice: Sudafed.
I hiked all the way to the Back 40 of Rite-Aid, a drug store which oddly reserves a small corner for actual drugs, and grabbed the little high security card with the picture of the Sudafed on it and schlepped 12 miles back to the front of the store where I stood in line in a clouded haze, trying very hard not to cough and make everyone around me recoil in resentment for standing anywhere near them, infecting them with my germs that look like those little guys from the Mucinex commercial.
Only to be told by the front cashier that I had to take it to the pharmacy. Located 97 miles away at the back of the store.
After being ID-ed, scanned, breathalyzed, frisked, strip searched, anally probed and interrogated under a single hot light bulb that dangled hypnotically from the ceiling in their “back room”, I was allowed to purchase 10 tablets of Sudafed.
10 tablets.
But not before getting groped by some random customer who claimed that he was a TSA agent whose closest resemblance to such a person was his Toxic Shockers of America baseball hat.
And what should we, as Americans, do about this travesty of self-medication? Why, sue the Feds, of course.
Get it? Sue da Feds? Sudafed? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, since the both of us are having this snork fest together and I was only able to get 10 tablets, you know what that means. That’s right, I’ll have to hide them in my stash alongside the porno magazines and kitty litter samples. And then when I run out, I’ll have to send him to the store for more because I’m probably on some Patriot Act watch list now where you’re not allowed to buy more than 1 box per CDC-approved flu season.
Also? I’m thinking why don’t I just do a reversal of what the meth lab guys do? I’ll just buy crystal meth off some local street corner. It’s quicker, cheaper and no lines. Some of them even have drive-thru service. And the last thing they want to see is your ID.
Then I’ll simply go home and make my own Sudafed tablets. And forget those silly little 24 hour baby pills. Mine will rock all the way through the week, yo.
By the way, does anybody know where I can get red shellac for the coating and those cute little pill packaging kits?
Don’t forget to enter my giveaway of a Trevor Project necklace of handmade silver which honors the youth who have taken their lives due to hate, ignorance and intolerance. There are 3 different ways to enter and you have until midnight on Monday, Nov 28.
