I asked my new personal assistant, Siri, how many woodchucks would chuck wood. That is, if woodchucks could chuck wood. Do you know what she said?
But that’s not why I called you here today.
A few weeks ago I’m sitting at a red light in a suburb north of Los Angeles where John Denver and I are singing the theme song from Leave It To Beaver when I spy a pink Corvette turning into a shopping center parking lot right in front of me. Since I was going over there as well to get all Starbucked up for my 400 mile drive north to Sacramento, I thought I might get to shoot a picture to show my husband, as he is kind of into Corvettes. I thought, I wonder if he’s ever seen a pink one!
The light turns green and I shoot across the street into the parking lot to follow the little pink Corvette. When I catch up to it, it’s already parked, so I pull into a nearby spot and grab my camera. As I approach the little pink Corvette, this little pink fluffy blonde person steps out of the car. I mean, holy feather boas, Batman, she’s full-on bedecked in all things pink and petite and why she isn’t also carrying a little pink poodle, I do not know, but now I’m thinking, Oh, I HAVE to get a picture of her too!
“Excuse me,” I say. I muster up much lollipop goodness before launching in to my plea.
“I just love your outfit,” I say, “and I love your car. May I take a picture of you?”
I know. I have to work on that whole thing, but I had to think fast. I wasn’t expecting to run into anyone, let alone suddenly realize that I wanted to take a photo of her too.
She pulls on this cropped furry powder blue blazer with purple polka dots over her incredibly ample bosom, looks up at me through heavily mascara-ed eyes and says, “Do you know who I am?”
Did I? I didn’t know. Was I supposed to? I used to live in Los Angeles. Was she famous? I vaguely recalled driving through the streets of L.A. in the 90s down maybe La Brea Avenue toward Hollywood and seeing a billboard of a pinkly decorated broad all sultry like a porn queen and all it said was: Angelyne.
Maybe you’ve seen it?
Image Source: SportieLAB Blog.com
So, hoping I wasn’t insulting her I say, “You’re not Angelyne, are you?”
I know, total class, right?
Anyway, I’m jumping up and down inside because she said yes, she was indeed Angelyne.
Do you know who she is?
I don’t either, but apparently she was in that movie Earth Girls Are Easy and was one of the first famous-for-being-famous people.
She was the Kim Kardashian of last century.
So of course now I really have to get a picture of her, only what she said next kind of befuddled me.
“You have to buy a T-Shirt if you want a picture.”
Here is what I should have said:
“Bitch, please. Do you know who I am? I am Nanny Goats in Panties. Number 1 on the KCRA A-List. CBS Sacramento’s Most Valuable Blogger. I was in the December issue of Inside Arden. I am in the upcoming January issue of Sacramento Magazine. In other words. My blog rocks and YOU should be paying ME to appear in it. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume you could use the publicity.”
That’s what I should have said.
Instead, I meekly squeak, “Um, how much are they?”
“Twenty dollars,” she proclaims, and immediately opens the hatch of her little pink Corvette to reveal Angelyne’s Pink Fluffy Merchandise Extravaganza Centre and Publicity Whore Emporium.
She shows me some old magazine she used to publish called, wait for it….. Hot P!nk. She says I could buy that. Or I could buy these stickers. I select a T-Shirt, give her the stupid $20, and start searching for a parking lot photographer.
An approachable-looking woman parks nearby and I walk over and ask her if she’ll take a quick picture of me and that little pink thing over there and when I turn to see who I’m pointing at, Angelyne has already accosted some poor male and saying God knows what to him, but he appears to be agreeing to be a photographer as well. So I apologize for disturbing my choice of picture takers and the little pink thing and I proceed to pose on her car.
I ask her to move the magazine from in front of her face because I think it’s blocking her boobage because I’m thinking of YOU guys and I know you just have to see these things and she says she has to pose this way so I say okay whatever and the guy takes a picture and I ask him to take another one.
She starts to whine about the sun and acts like it’s a royal pain in her pink patootie to have to stand there any longer for a second picture, but I’m sorry. Since she has taken my money, I am going to ensure that I get a picture of this chick.
The guy holding my camera says, “Okay, that’s it.”
“You’ll have to give me another two dollars and buy a sticker or something,” said Angelyne.
“You want more money out of me?” I ask.
“Of course.”
“Well I don’t have it.”
So we negotiate, although I don’t know why because I’ve already taken the pictures and told her I have no more money, so she decides that I can send her the money to her fan club address and here’s her card.
I watch her walk into the grocery store in her little pink blazer and miniskirt, which, on a Sunday morning in a suburb looks more like a Walk of Shame getup. Then I whip out my camera again and take another picture of her car.
Later, a hundred feet away at Starbucks, I run into our photographer who tells me that he had already taken two pictures before I asked him to take a second one and I feel some sort of satisfaction that I got way more pictures than I paid for. If my three semesters of calculus serves me, I believe $20 for 5 pictures, means I paid….uh, I paid… well, less than $20 a piece for them anyway.
And the Winner Is…
In case you were wondering who won the Nanny Goats in Panties hoodie in last week’s giveaway by The Print Center, it was Lulu Kellogg who has a blog called Lulu Kellogg (Coastal Sisters News).
And in case you were wondering who won the Trevor Project Necklace in the giveaway by Jewelry by North, it was Jen Kennedy of Sacramento.
Congrats to the winners!
