When I walk out of the grocery store, I’m usually carrying forty-two bags of frozen fish sticks and Chocolate Peaberry SnarkFest Bananarama-nom-nom ice cream that weighs me down like so many elephants. I don’t have time to stop and chit chat with the clipboard-festooned eager beavers asking me if I’m registered to vote. So I […]
confessions
Crime and Punishment: The Middle School Years
If my mother’s ashes weren’t scattered out to sea somewhere, I could ask her a few things I’ve been wanting to know. Like, who did she vote for? Did she believe in God? Why the hell did she marry that lying-ass idiot fourteen years her junior after she divorced my father? And most importantly, what […]
Even Educated Fleas Do It
I can’t remember exactly how old I was so I’m going to go with eight, when my mother decided it was time that I learned the Facts of Life. I’m sure most parents look forward to, plan, over-analyze, idealize, fear, and dread the inevitable “talk” with their children regarding The Birds and The Bees. But […]
Apocalypse Now?… What About Now?… How About Now?
The thought of a large asteroid plowing into Farmer John’s cow patch (or whatever it is that’s supposed to happen in the year 2012) and wiping out the earth’s population doesn’t bother me. Why? Because after I die, nothing matters any more. Plus, that would be a relatively painless death and if there’s one thing […]
