A wise man once said, “Some things are done. And some things have things done to them. But you can never please all of the people all of the time”.
I learned that from my cross-eyed uncle when I was six years old and I never forgot it. I’d have it tattooed on my caboose if I didn’t think it was such a stupid idea to do so.
But that’s not why I called you here today. No, today, I’d like to share with you a list of things that I’ve never done in my forty-three years of life:
I have never murdered anyone. (At least not over money - I do have standards.)
I have been to Jerusalem, the capitol of many religions, but I’ve never been to Washington DC, the capitol of many Americans.
I have never seen a single episode of Survivor. Or American Idol. Or Law and Order.
I have never seen a ghost, a UFO, Big Foot, or a Chupacabra. (What am I doing wrong, exactly?)
I’ve been to Grand Cayman, but I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.
I have never given birth to a child. (An ostrich maybe, but I was young and I needed the money!)
I have never kissed a girl (not that there’s anything wrong with it.)
I’ve eaten brains and I’ve eaten alligator, but I’ve never eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.
I’ve never broken a single bone in my body. (But I did acquire my first scar through an injury that occurred eight minutes after I was born. To give you a hint, this was before they put mittens on newborns, and I scratched the crap out of my face. Wait, that wasn’t much of a hint, was it.)
Lastly, and you probably saw this one coming:
I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to Me.
Do you have erectile dysfunction? I’m sorry to hear that and I have nothing for you, but what I do have is the solution for all that tall grass you may be suffering from. If you don’t own a lawn mower, why don’t you just RENT one?
That’s right, at Rent-A-Ruminant, you can rest easy knowing a bunch of goats are chowing down on your back forty.
A big bleating THANK YOU to Anna of I Hate Pink who recently awarded me the Kreativ Blogger Award, not to be outdone, or corrected by, the Outstanding Speller Award, which I did not gett.
