30 Minus 2 Days of Writing Challenge
Day 4: When Hell Freezes Over

When it comes to experiencing true joy in life, some people have their child’s first steps, while for others, it’s the thrill of skydiving. Me? I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am about… mobile banking.

If you knew how much I hate “running errands”, driving to the bank, standing in line (OMG - standing in line! I hate that! Who stands in line at the bank anymore?), and nobody has a 30 second transaction at the bank, you’re standing there for what seems like hours staring at yourself standing in line on the security monitor, yelling through bullet-proof glass to the teller so that everybody can know your damn business.

But yesterday….yesterday my friends, I discovered what can only be referred to as pure consumeric bliss. Behold…

When I discovered this, I ran over to my bank, wrapped my arms around it and gave it a big wet sloppy kiss, right on the front doors. With tongue.

Now when I get that monthly residual $2.38 check from my recurring role on Wonder Years, all I have to do is slap that bad boy onto a dark background, take a picture and viola! No more getting mugged at 4:00am by a guy in a pastrami sandwich costume at the ATM. No more getting into paper cut fights with blue-haired old ladies over who gets Fernando the sexy teller to make our deposits.

The question now is, when are they going to approve the business loan for my Flying Pigs Third Party Pizza Delivery Service?

The 30 Minus 2 Day Writing Challenge is hosted by We Work for Cheese.

30 Minus 2 Days of Writing Challenge
Day 3: Temporary Insanity

I haven’t checked the other participants in today’s writing challenge yet to see what they’ve all chosen to write about, but I’m willing to bet at least 147 of them have somehow weaved it into the reason for their participation in this challenge in the first place.

Signing up for a 30 minus 2 day writing challenge, while merciful for its February placement is still 28 frickin’ days, and I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m only thanking the powers that be that this is not a leap year.

However, I have been depriving my readers of frequent posts for months and needed something to kick start myself into writing more often, so not unlike a teenager choosing to drive their father’s car off a pier, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Not unlike a yappy dog nipping at the heels of a murderous pit bull, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Not unlike a woman throwing back a shot of Jose Quervo every time Justin Bieber gets arrested, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

And so you’ll forgive me as I grasp at straws for the next 25 days?

The 30 Minus 2 Day Writing Challenge is hosted by We Work for Cheese.

30 Minus 2 Days of Writing Challenge
Day 2: It Was No Accident

One Saturday night, Gerald the Elephant plopped his grey wrinkly butt down on his couch and began binge-watching a television show that his friend, Persephone, recommended. It was a story of a lovely lady who had three very lovely girls and had married an architect who had three boys of his own. All six children were born of immaculate conception, obviously, because in none of the episodes was the topic of ex-husbands or ex-wives brought up.

Gerald stayed up all night and all the next day and all the next night watching all 117 episodes never leaving the couch except to refill his peanut bowl and go to the toilet. A toilet was another thing you never saw on this show, by the way. You saw the bathroom lots, as the kids were always fighting over it - that’s right, 6 kids, 1 bathroom - but you never saw the toilet.

Gerald’s phone rang just as he was watching the credits roll on the last episode, tears streaming down his face over all the plucky drama he had consumed.

“Hello?”

“Well?”

“Persephone! Oh, Persephone!”

“I know!”

“When those kids went on the TV show to win their parents an anniversary gift, I just lost it!” Gerald grabbed another tissue, honked his trunk, and threw it on the mountain that had built up over the weekend.

“I can’t go into the zoo today,” said Gerald. “I’m exhausted.”

“I figured as much,” said Persephone, clicking her beak.

“You did this on purpose, didn’t you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Gerry.”

He could always tell when Persephone was lying. She’d preen her feathers whenever she fibbed and he could hear the squeaking from it over the phone.

“Wendy always comes on Mondays with her Mom and she always gives me her cotton candy and now you’re going to get it all.”

“It’s not my fault you marathon watched it.”

“You’re an enabler. And you’re squeaking.”

“You’ll feel better after you’ve had some sleep.”

“Maybe,” he said.

“Hey, have you ever seen The Partridge Family?” asked Persephone.

“How many episodes are there?”

“Not that many,” she said.

The sound of ruffling feathers and a small squeak came over the line.

“I gotta go.”

The 30 Minus 2 Day Writing Challenge is hosted by We Work for Cheese.