I pee really fast.
I mean, it’s not like I have prostate problems, standing there with my hand against the public restroom wall, waiting all day to dribble something that wouldn’t fill a shot glass. I’m sure many of you are already chomping at the bit wondering what my secret is. Well, at Nanny Goats in Panties, we “aim” to please. Let me share with you some handy tips on how to git ‘er done.
1. Semantics. First of all, don’t urinate. You must pee. Urinating is long, slow, and debilitating. Pee is all of one syllable. Urinate sounds clinical and painful. Pee sounds light-hearted and fun!
2. It’s all in the timing. Wait until the last possible minute before you go, when you’re ready to bust a gut, when your eyes are singing Anchor’s Away and your tongue is going in and out with the tide. Then, like a racehorse at the sounding bell, you tear out of that gate, crushing your opponents in the other stalls.
NOTE: Don’t wait too long or inadvertently catch yourself with a full bladder while listening to the Click and Clack brothers on NPR, or you might have yourself an accident like poor Barefoot Foodie.
3. Wear proper clothing. Don’t stuff yourself into anything complicated like tight-ass jeans, overalls, or girdles that connect to your bra over panty hose. Crotchless Spanx and no undies are highly recommended. Also, elastic waistband pants are a breeze to rip down.
4. Don’t wash your hands. Everyone at the office will figure you out and never eat your Lemon Jello and Marshmallow Surprise, but that’s okay, more for you, right? And besides, this is speed peeing we’re talking about here. If you insist on washing your hands, wear something made of absorbable cotton so you can whisk your hands under the water and wipe them on the front of your shirt as you cross the finish line.
Any questions?
