I like my coffee like I like my men. Hot, steamy and French-pressed. Or something like that.
If I’m honest, however, I like cream in my coffee. It has to have cream. Real cream. Not that powdery crap you take camping with you. And not milk.
Cream. The stuff at the top.
There’s a reason why they say the “cream of the crop” and not the “nonfat milk of the crop”.
The problem is, I don’t know how to avoid sounding like a total snob when I’m a guest at someone’s house and after dinner, the host asks, “Who wants coffee?” Because I want coffee. But only if they have cream.
Too many times, I have been devastated after saying yes to coffee only to find out there was no cream and now I have to force down hot, black, bitter, yucky (also how I like my men) coffee.
Then I graduated to meekly asking if they had cream. They would say yes and it turned out not to be cream. It was milk. Or worse…it was nonfat milk.
Nonfat?
NONFAT?
Nonfat milk is like iceberg lettuce to me. It’s pointless and offers no real value. Nonfat milk makes things taste like less than what they are. Coffee tastes less with nonfat virtually transparent grey milk. Why not save yourself the money and add water to your coffee?
I grew up with water nonfat milk on my cereal. My chocolate frosted sugar bomb cereal. Which is like ordering two double-cheeseburgers, a super big-ass order of french fries… and a Diet Coke. But I was a kid and didn’t know better. My tastes buds never had the pleasure of whole milk until college and my gawd, I thought it tasted like syrupy white cream.
I would have taken whole milk in my coffee back then. But I didn’t drink coffee back then. This was before the days of Starbucks, so about a hundred years ago.
But now when I go to Starbucks or Peet’s or Coffee Bean (another reason Sacramento sucks - they have no Coffee Bean - I should start a Facebook page movement for that) I must always specify WHOLE milk for my latte because most of the silly people they call “customers” are insane and want watery milk in their coffee. Starbucks’ default milk is 2% if you don’t tell them that you want milk THE WAY GOD INTENDED. Peet’s claims they use whole milk by default, but again, I don’t trust them so I always say, “Yes, I’d like a small latte with milk the way God intended, please. And fourteen doughnuts, please. No, I don’t need a bag. Why would I need a bag? Yes, that’s for here. Why wouldn’t that be for here? No I’m not with anyone, what’s with all the questions?”
By the way, you do know whole milk has fewer carbs than nonfat milk, right?
So anyway, back to the house where the host has asked us if we want coffee. I feel like a pompous assy guest asking if they have cream because if they say yes, I won’t believe them and I’ll want to further ask if it’s REAL cream. Half and half cream. The white stuff, not the translucent stuff.
I’m like George Costanza’s mother who doesn’t understand people who don’t serve pound cake after dinner. Who doesn’t have dessert for their guests?
And who doesn’t have cream for coffee?
So what has to happen for me to ensure I’m going to get cream in my coffee….THIS?:
Creme de la Creme, a play in one act. (Act 1 Scene 1):
We’re in a warmly decorated home dining room with browns and oranges and harvest-themed decorations like those cornicopia things on the side tables. Bellies are satisfied and full. The smell of turkey and brown-sugared sweet potato casserole still lingers in the air.
My gracious host who has welcomed me into his or her home and served me a delicious meal: Who wants coffee?
Ungrateful me: Do you have cream?
My gracious host: Yes.
Rude as all get out me: Can I look at it?
My ever-so-gracious host: Errrr….
Pompous assy me: That’s okay, I’ll just check your fridge. It’s in the fridge, right? ‘Cause it’s cream, not the powdery stuff you take camping with you, right?
I mean, who does that?
Is there a nice way to find out, or do I just forego my after dinner treat altogether? Do I presumptuously bring my own cream? Because I really really really want that coffee.
(image source: Wikimedia Commons)
