I pee really fast.
I mean, it’s not like I have prostate problems, standing there with my hand against the public restroom wall, waiting all day to dribble something that wouldn’t fill a shot glass. I’m sure many of you are already chomping at the bit wondering what my secret is. Well, at Nanny Goats in Panties, we “aim” to please. Let me share with you some handy tips on how to git ‘er done.
1. Semantics. First of all, don’t urinate. You must pee. Urinating is long, slow, and debilitating. Pee is all of one syllable. Urinate sounds clinical and painful. Pee sounds light-hearted and fun!
2. It’s all in the timing. Wait until the last possible minute before you go, when you’re ready to bust a gut, when your eyes are singing Anchor’s Away and your tongue is going in and out with the tide. Then, like a racehorse at the sounding bell, you tear out of that gate, crushing your opponents in the other stalls.
NOTE: Don’t wait too long or inadvertently catch yourself with a full bladder while listening to the Click and Clack brothers on NPR, or you might have yourself an accident like poor Barefoot Foodie.
3. Wear proper clothing. Don’t stuff yourself into anything complicated like tight-ass jeans, overalls, or girdles that connect to your bra over panty hose. Crotchless Spanx and no undies are highly recommended. Also, elastic waistband pants are a breeze to rip down.
4. Don’t wash your hands. Everyone at the office will figure you out and never eat your Lemon Jello and Marshmallow Surprise, but that’s okay, more for you, right? And besides, this is speed peeing we’re talking about here. If you insist on washing your hands, wear something made of absorbable cotton so you can whisk your hands under the water and wipe them on the front of your shirt as you cross the finish line.
Any questions?
Wow – thanks Moonshadow! I can't believe it took that long for someone to correct it!
There's a problem with the "hot-pants" link. It should be…
http://barefootfoodie.com/2008/10/06/hot-pants/
I absolutely, positively can NOT hold my pee. Period. My last child completely destroyed my nether regions 17 years ago and I simply can’t wait. If I feel the urge I better start walking. A 40ish year old woman doing the pee-pee dance in the stall is sooooo unbecoming. lol!
Hey, I’m not stalking you, but I thought you might enjoy this post about on-line murder….
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/10/24/woman-jailed-after-killing-virtual-husband/
Virtual affection, Dano
Oh, I always called it “whizzing”. I’ve seen the whiz term in my real life as a painter: There are whiz rollers. With a compact core, they can move behind radiators, do touch up using less paint than a regular roller and make touch-up easier.
I actually wanted to comment on your post about the Second Life Type people. But I wasn’t seeing the comment link. Maybe I’m a tad slower than a train in reverse.
Or maybe the fact that Nigel Nancyboy is sitting on me when I need to whiz, has me a bit distracted. The rule of the house where I grew up was, if you have a cat on your lap, you don’t have to do anything.
Anyway, that bizarre site reminds me of my friend “Bill”. He’s been seriously sick with depression for some years. Last he visited me, he chewed off Cricket’s ear about the marvels of Second Life.
She wasn’t buying. Why would you pay to sit in front of your computer chasing dreams? Why not go out and try to live them?
Love your blog!!!!! This post totally made me laugh out loud. I’m a follower! 🙂
Now that is HILARIOUS!!!!!! I am so trying that next time. Although I have to be really careful, don’t want a bladder infection. 🙂
By the way, I so voted for your blog.
Last night, before I got around to reading your post here, I posted about using outhouses. I guess we both have potty mouths! : )
Sure, I’ll vote for you! You’re super funny! But will you also give me a referral so I can join the humor blogger community?
This practical information and list of tips? I’ve been waiting for this forever. Seriously, I’m giving up the spandex in favor of cotton.
Back in the day when I was a dick chick (urology nurse), I always preferred of the use of the rather clinical terminology, to micturate. The act of micturation would take way too long in a pissing contest. Very funny post.
Wow. That’s pretty intense. I have to admit, I was bummed out when my pregnancy jeans wouldn’t fit anymore because those babies are MADE for whipping off in a pee emergency (peemergency?)!!
You are hilarious. And did you find my blog because you googled “goat sacrifices”? I’ve got goat pictures for you – anytime. Alone, in groups – any color:).
Call me a germophobe but I cringed when you said dont wash your hands. I have to… the germs they’re everywhere…
Thanks for stopping by my blog! I used to live in Sacramento when I was a kid…loved it!
Lee 🙂
I voted for you! Wow..looks like you are in first place! Thanks for popping by today. Funny blog! I am off to snoop some more!
Or we could just walk aarund in adult diapers.
As an ex-DJ who had to learn to pee in under the average song length of 3:20 minutes, I agree with most of your methods. However, semantically, I favor “pissing” over “peeing”, because it is slightly more purposeful. Ladies who pee might be tempted to just sit there, reading all of the graffiti on the bathroom wall.
Women who piss are in and out and ready to rock and roll.
I was hooked on your blog instantly when I saw the word “pee”.
Talking about peeing is one of my most favorite things. It’s so easy to do, it’s free and it’s something we can take pride in every day.
I recently discussed a common peeing condition called “Peeus Waiticus” aka “Waiting to Pee” and posted results of non-scientific Pee Poll.
http://www.giggleon.com/waiting-to-pee/
##
Light-hearted and fun is right. I could give you a run for your money, fast-peeing-wise. I get compliments (well, *I* take them as compliments) on my super-speedy peeing prow-ass.
Yes. Girdles can definately slow down the process… You know what makes peeing even faster? Being a man and having a penis and being able to stand up while pissing… Haha… You have to sit down!
crotchless spanx…hahaha…ROFLMAO!
I am a fan of the word “pee.” Some of my friends with young kids insist on “going to the potty,” and I want to slap them. As for skipping the hand-washing part, I’m afraid I’m not down with that. But I do it really fast, which, in my house means running the tap so the water is hot enough when I’m done, so I don’t have to stand around and wait. Then I air-dry!
But wait…if you spend so little time in the bathroom, when do you read?
Hmmm…
BTW, on the contest…that crabby old coot in front of you has GOT to GO.
Nanny Goats Uber Alles!
I just LOVE the person who doesn’t wash their hands in the office!! Makes pot lucks all that more fun!
Ever since we started remodeling the other bathroom, I have become a speed peeing champion! I have kids and it never fails, every time I’m peeing, one of them needs in the bathroom — and just can’t wait another second.
Well now I learned something!!!!! lmao
Oh you were in 2nd place with 13% when I voted!
Speed peeing? I myself prefer the slow and leisurely pace of urinating. That way I can fully enjoy it.
If speed peeing is your objective, to be in and out of the bathroom in record time, try timing your flush before you actually finish peeing. It takes some practice, but the rewards are well worth the effort. With training, you can shave a second or two off your time and still have a bowl of 98% potable water.
You know, one of the things I love about your blog are these wonderfully practical tips and pointers that no one should be without.
So, how do you like, pee really fast when you’re on that street car careening towards that poor, helpless nanny goat? Hmmm?
OK, but it’s prostate, not prostrate…unless you’re talking about the inability to get back up…which, now that it pops up…uh, never mind.
So let me get this straight: You went to the Emmy Awards wearing crotchless spandex and no undies? No wonder you won!
Amen to the ‘proper clothing’ tip.
Many a time(with milliseconds to spare) I have been unable to unfasten that belt or tangled-up zipper.
It’s a difficult decision between ripping your favourite pants or pissing yourself.
my family has always called me the pee pee queen. not because i can pee fast, but because i have to pee often. i’m sure you would any pissing contest hands down. unless of course you are talking about a pissy mood contest. lately i think i have just about everyone beat on that one!
You forgot #5 – get yourself a small child.
You only have 2.3 seconds to get the job done before Nosey Nelly wants to know why your pee doesn’t “make bubbles” like Daddy’s and Brother’s.
Em
I like to say urinate. Because it’s rather uncommon, and when someone says …”what?”
i can reply back to them…
“but you could be a ten!”
I consider your hilarious yet bold statement a challenge. Consider it accepted by the pilot.
Excellent instructions.
There is another benefit to holding it until the last possible minute in a public pee palace.
The younger guys will really be impressed with the force of the stream. I always stand back from the pee hole so they can see the sound of a strong stream is really coming from me.
And to avoid splashes on my bare feet.
PS: is this were the term streaming music originated?