Yeah, whenever I need a fresh, juicy tomato for a salad, I just walk across the street and pick one from the gutter…
…because I just can’t depend on the grocery store EVER having ripe red tomatoes. I live in California! Why do we have to grow our own in order to be able to TASTE a frickin’ tomato? Oh sure, they LOOK red in the store, but you get them home, you make sure not to put them in the refrigerator because they will ripen better in room temperature, you slice one up for your turkey club sandwich, you take a big bite of soft chewy bread, fresh roasted turkey, some swiss cheese and BLECK! a crunchy flavorless tomato.
Every time a restaurant has the audacity to claim that the disk of pink styrofoam on that sandwich or cheeseburger is a tomato, I must invariably remove it. Crunchy, bland sections of the alleged red fruit (or is it a vegetable, did they ever get a final answer on that?) are pushed around the plate in my salads. I’m tempted to yell out cringe-inducing phrases like, “Who do you have to fuck to get a decent tomato around here?!”
There is no excuse for this madness. I’ve even failed to secure the goods at Farmer’s Markets. “Oh, you have to wait until tomato season,” they say. I DID wait. And wait. And wait.
I’m still waiting.
MY KINGDOM FOR A PASSABLE TOMATO!
This is why I’m reduced to darting across the street to these babies:
I mean, what’s a little lawn fertilizer runoff between neighbors? At least I’m enjoying sandwiches again. BLT, anyone?
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Goat Link of the Day
Taunt Vortex gives us a new vitamin supplement with an arousing name. It’s rhymes with Super Corny Goat Weed.
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A Humor Carnival
EttaRose from Edge of Sanity is hosting the Humorbloggers.com Humor Carnival on her blog. My post about growing up in the 70s (My Veins Bleed UHF) is a part of this carnival. You can visit Edge of Sanity to see all the other participants.
Well, at least you have the gutter across the street! Up here in Canada, we are eating the pink styrofoam and waiting for next summer. Actually I think they do grow over in leamington, Ontario, ketchup capital of North America, but not in December…
Oooh I love that smell, but was sad about my first growing attempt this year.
If my growing capabilities are a measure of my moral stature than I am in serious danger…
I am sure your neighbor doesn’t mind…right?
On the other hand….you are most welcome to some of my tomatoes…which are almost “done” for the season. I am glad I canned a bunch…but then those don’t make great sandwiches.
I just finished having a fresh tomato AND cucumber sandwich with garlic/dill mustard. Delicious.
I’m from Seattle and I actually thought the definition of “tomato” is “a crunchy, flavorless, non-vegetable.” Am I mistaken? At any rate, I’ll have to seek out these special “organic” tomatoes that you speak of…
i gotta hold of me some red, ripe ones yesterday. dang they were good!!! gutter maters, huh? interesting…
I tried to DIY tomatoes, but only the squirrels got a chance to appreciate the effort.
I…heart…you…but totally in a non-billy goat sort of way! *blush*
I am now your stalker here and twitter!
There is nothing, nothing as good as a tomato right off the vine.
Mmmmm, tomatoes … gguuaahhh. (How on earth DOES one spell the Homer Simpson-like drooling groan of culinary pleasure?)
Anway … I got so fed up with the terrible selection at the local market – and even the local farmer’s market – that I started growing my own.
The Hubby won’t eat tomatoes unless they are ketchup or pizza sauce, but he’s supportive of my culinary delusions, so he planted three itty-bitty tomato plants in a little patch of dirt in the backyard.
They did not stay itty-bitty long.
That little corner of the yard now looks like some prehistoric jungle populated by little fat, red, natives.
I’ve made tomato salsa, tomato sauces, tomato purees, tomato slices for sandwiches, tomato wedges for salads, tomato cubes for tacos, we even put some on a shish kabob and barbecued ’em … I’m like the Bubba Gump of tomatoes.
I’m secretly glad the tomato season is coming to close. 🙂
I’m not the biggest fan of tomatos but I eat them. What I hate is when making pizza people use cherry tomatos. You get like one bite of tomato five mouthfuls… not the point of pizza people, anyway I think I’m off track!
Now you’ve made me crave a good tomato. And you’re right – they are tasteless most of the time. why is that? I’m too tired to crave a tomato. Why did you do that to your poor exhausted friend Twenty Four??
These days, the only good tomato is one you grow yourself. Everything else is a Christmas ornament.
Agreed! What is with the disgusting tomatoes? And they aren’t even red here, they are a weird orange color!
What, real tomatoes aren’t supposed to be nauseatingly mushy, taste like PlayDoh, and of a pale red color? Then what have I been hating all of these years?
NGIP —
It just occurred to me…Is an NGIP fan considered a “fanny”? (Ugh…nevermind. Just slap me for that). I have several dozen LUSH, RED, RIPE, HEIRLOOM tomatoes (Cherokees, Brandywines, romas, and possibly even a Mortgage Lifter or two) in my garden right at this instant. I’m willing to share if you’re going to be in E. Sac/Midtown anytime soon. And, no, I absolutely do not want sex in return. Did I also mention they’re organic?
so true! I’ve never gotten a truly red ripe tomato in a restaurant. just the pretty pink styrofoam ones.
It’s a fruit, and it only is grown in NJ. All other tomatoes are inferior.
I grew tomatoes once in my garden in California and once I tasted that fresh deliciousness, I could never go back.
And, one of my favorite lines in life is, “Who do I have to fuck to get a [insert desired thing] around here?” Sigh. Such a satisfying sentence.
I love tomatoes! And being from NJ, the Garden State, I know tomatoes. You just can’t beat a good Jersey tomato, even if they are gutter grown.
What a great rant. I had this rant yesterday. I’d rather do without tomato than eat those flavorless ones from the grocery store and some restaurants. We do have great tomatoes at our nearby produce stand.
Also, if Taco Bell had really good tomatoes I would probably eat there every day, so I’m glad theirs suck.
Oh yes. I’d take the lawn fertilizer if it meant a good tomato, too.
Mmmmmm they look good…I sooo want A BLT now..
I LOVE fresh garden tomatoes! oh.my.gosh now I want a tomatoe and mayo samwhich-Thanks NGIP and all i got is cheeseburger hamburger helper
I am so glad I don’t like vegetables! (or is it fruits?!) That way I don’t have to worry about if it’s good or not! hehe
I am a picky tomato person as well. This year the kids and I decided to grow our own. They were really good except colorado aparently got too hot this summer and they didn’t cooperate with me! I have more little green ones now (that it’s getting cold) than I did all summer. Better luck next year.
I dug so many holes one year for my mom’s garden. She doesn’t even have to plant them anymore, volunteer tomato plants. I’m not a fan of tomatoes, and my mom gives away 5 gallon buckets every 3-5 days of perfectly ripened romas, cherry, and hearty beef steak or whatever they are.
Ha!! That is hilarious that you have tomatoes growing in the gutter across the street! And fortuitous!
If only avocados were that easy to get!
Yum, the smell of a tomato on the vine. In a garden I mean, not one of those damn things in the grocery store that just happened to be stuck on some green stuff.
Good post. There’s just not enough tomato humor out there.
“and this is bacon, like you might get in a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.”
Em
Welcome to the SITStahood! I saw your comment on Mrs. Mouthy and had to come over since you have such an, umm, interesting blog name.
I’m not a tomato fan, so those can’t tempt me!
Nanny, I have a tomato for you over on my blog… enjoy!
http://theblueridgegal.blogspot.com/
i sure love a good home grown tomato on white bread with mayo…
smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
OK, first of all, “Ken” (yeah, like that’s a real name), tomatoes ROCK.
Second, I am impaled on the pointy irony that in a town whose nickname is “Sack O’ Tomatoes,” you can’t find a decent one.
That’s just…just WRONG.
I am soooo with you on this one, sister. I am a tomato snob from way back. I won’t buy a tomato unless I can still smell the vine. And never put a tomato in the fridge! Blasphemy!
Ewwwwwww, Tomato’s suck, yuk. And yes they are still a fruit!