When Nigel approached me last weekend at the annual Tarts and Vickers party to ask me if I wanted to participate in a game with the rest of the group, I was suddenly debilitated by a twitch in my left eye. I summoned my driver, Worthington, and he whisked me home to my oxygen tank, where I gulped for my life.
I grew up playing games. I played Monopoly, Sorry, Chutes and Ladders, and all those board games with other children. As I grew into adolescence, I played Canasta, Spite and Malice, Boggle, Scrabble and other brainy games with my mother.
When I was in high school and college, I competed in track and volleyball. I continued to play competitive volleyball indoors as well as on the beach in Southern California until after 20 years, my shoulder said, “Okay, that’s enough for you, pal. You can sit out the rest of this one.”
All this boring-ass history of my game-playing to demonstrate two things:
1. I am not afraid to play games.
2. After all those years of playing and learning how important it is to play by the rules, I’m competitive and anal as hell.
This is why party games are EPIC FAIL for me. It’s not that I can’t stand to lose. I’ve ridden that bus so many times, I have a lifetime pass. It’s that I can’t stand cheaters. I can’t relax and enjoy myself if people are drunk and cheating and winning unfairly. They think they are just goofing off and who cares who wins and they just want to have fun. I call it breaking the rules. And anybody who has the audacity at this moment to interject with the asinine “but rules were made to be broken” has seen too many movies and does not value their nose bones.
I fly off the handle – internally, of course – if someone talks out of turn during Pictionary. You have to DRAW the picture. You can’t TALK when you draw the picture. It says so in the rules. Your team is supposed to LOSE if you talk while you draw the picture! And yet, nobody else seems to care. Meanwhile, my adrenaline is inducing a cornary in my veins as I bite my tongue about the unfairness of it all.
“Stop it!” I want to scream. “Stop it, all of you! You’re nothing but a bunch of anarchists, barbarians and game heathens!”
No, if you ask me to play anything with you involving a group of people, it is best if I just go watch the fireplace while everyone squeals in delight in the other room.
Also? No, I will not be your ringer for your volleyball team at your picnic on Sunday. You are a bunch of booze hounds who stand around on the court with fifteen people on each side, throwing the volleyball back and forth over the net with no referees to call major illegal ball handling every three seconds. You’ve got a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. You are not playing volleyball. You are playing some bastardized version of kindergarten soccer and you have no goals. Or rules.
I must have rules, people! I must have order. I must have rigid lines to follow and I will not tolerate disrespectors who stray from them. Otherwise, you know…I’m not going to have fun.
Well… I don’t drink beer, nor smoke. So shall we play volleyball next week. I will meet ya at Hermosa.
My husband is the same way. He can’t even stand to play with our son (who can’t read yet) because “he cheats!”
Sounds a little like my best friend. That girl, I swear, has more processes and protocols than Rainman.
I think if you teamed up with her for a rousing game of Pictionary, folks might just experience a mass slaughter. 🙂
You mean there are rules?
Oh god, people like you terrify me. You are the reason I hate board games and break into a cold sweat when I hear the word “monopoly”.
Especially since my friend used to make me play for 6 hours until I actually ran out of money and was legitimately bankrupt.
By the by, I put some pictures of the mismatched furniture up just for you.
I’m obnoxious and competitive and anal (maybe your blog just turned into confessions of a blogger?) and I hate it when people don’t play games by the rules. You throw a left, I’ll throw a right. Other than gaming, I admire everyone who breaks the rules.
my husband and i have not played a board game together since our first year of marriage where he madly cheated in Trivial Pursuit and i threw the board and pieces at him. bastard.
that god there is someone out there who is as crazy/competitive as i am. my friends avoid my house on “game night.” so sad.
Wow, sounds like you’d be SUPER fun on game night. *snickering*
C’mon now — who ever heard of playing Volleyball without a cig and a beer?!!
Oh! I love playing games but really only during the holidays. I’m sorry to hear that you wouldn’t want to play with me! LOL
hahaha! funny post! i love to play scattergories…as long as i win!!! tee hee! thanks for stopping by my blog from SITS yesterday!
Wow, this brought back memories! I too LOVE games but my husband refuses to play with me because I am so competitive. Apparently I start swearing and hitting him….Of course I don’t know what he’s talking about!
How about a game of ‘step on a crack and you break your mother’s back’? Does that one work for you… it’s pretty black and white as far as the rules… lmao
Wait a second. I thought it was a requirement to have a beer and a cigarette if you wanted to play volleyball. Are you telling me I’m wrong??
Agreed! I can’t stand cheaters!!!!!! And alcohol is no excuse for being a dirty, dirty cheat!!!
Ha-you would NOT want to play games w/ me then…I’m that person that accidentally talks in Pictionary…..hahaha!
A law-and-order goat! I love it!
I agree…those burping cheaters are just WRONG.
‘You’ve got a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. You are not playing volleyball.’
That could be the quote of the century…
Geez Nannie, this is an elaborate way to tell me your not coming to Bunco on Wednesday… I had even considered adding a little hay into the guacamole for you.
OK you are a programmer/analyst (at least your profile says so) so thats how your brain works. You like structure and boundaries. But how much fun is that if you cant break the rules sometimes. OK, I have the answer drink more before the games start and seriously it will not bother you as much. Its almost like being at a party and everyone around you is drunk and you are not – you just cannot enjoy yourself. I think you are very competitive I bet which isnt a bad thing. Sometimes the good things about us are also the things that can be bad in other situations. Wherever there are board games there are arguments about the rules and sadly we do not have board game referees. Just drink more….its the only way you can get through sometimes…but I totally get what you saying…but when it comes down to it, its a dirty game this winning…
My mother in law is a game cheater and its hard to call your mother in law anything.
wannna play triple yahtzee? it’s my fav!
or how bout 42 a game of dominoes? I will set up the table and get the snacks
My brother always cheated at Monopoly. He always had to be the bank.
Perhaps I should have called HIM a greasy Republican capitalist pig!
Thanks for stopping by my blog this morning. I appreciate your words of goat-support!
This is why Solitaire was invented.
Must have games. Must have order. Must have punishment for violators. Like big, pointy-toed boots.
We are serious gamers around here.
Nana
http://www.nanadiaries.com
Hahaha, my boyfriend is just like you. And I just want everyone to have a good time. If we’re in a group playing Monopoly, and someone owes me a ton of rent that they don’t have, I’ll tell them to forget it. If Him and I are on a team against another team and beating them really bad, I’ll start (subtly) playing poorly so they can catch up. It drives him INSANE.
But if its just the two of us at home alone playing Chess or something, oh, its on!!!
Good gawd, you’d have a stroke at our house, especially if we dragged you into a game of Jokers and Pegs, which is like the funnest board game in existence.
We are EXTREMELY competitive people and we couldn’t keep our mouths shut if our lives depended on it. You’d be breaking noses right and left.
doesn’t value their nose bones…bwahahahah!
ROFLMAO Okay, how did you get inside my head??? I’m soooooo glad to hear someone else is this way. There are rules, people! There are rules for a reason, and if we didn’t have rules, anarchy would break out and chaos would rule! We can have fun but only if everyone plays by the rules!
Oh my goodness I have been called anal, killjoy, party pooper….. yeah. I LOVE to play games but only if you play by the rules. Come over to my house, NGIP. We’ll play games, and we’ll play by the rules, and we’ll have fun! Oh, my family plays games too, and we play by the rules.
p.s. I hate to lose; I am horribly competitive. I’m a sore loser, especially if I lost b/c people were cheating! LOL
This made me laugh. I am one of the most competitive people I know while my husband begins every game by apologizing for the cheating he will be doing over the course of the game. I’ve evolved to the point where I’m able to act like it’s all just for fun, while inwardly I can hear my bones screaming.
When you play games at our house, you have to play by the Amended Hahn Game Rules. It gets pretty ugly in Uno.
the ONLY time is cheat is when hubby has WWAAAAYYY too much cash in monopoly. he’s such a property and cash whore! when he goes potty, i raid the stash! shhh…otherwise, i’m all about being fair. 😉
When my dad would buy a game, he would pre-read the directions so he understood it, then we’d all sit at the table and he’d read them aloud to us. THen he’d interpret them. So we could follow the rules properly. You’d like our family, I’m thinkin’.
Games? Don’t they make tasty treats for goats?
WHOA…..
someone needs to just slap you in the face with a soggy cardboard fold up and teach you to either play nice or shut the hell up and eat the fucking checkers!!!!
no, wait… rules. YUSSS!! rules, you CAN’T play without rules, understand? so if you’re not playing by the rules, you got it buck-O, you’re NOT playing!!
I can so identify with being debilitated by an eye twitch. Either that or I roll my eyes so hard I get a pain in my brain stem and have to take a powder. I suppose if everyone agreed in advance that anything goes -fine. Get me a drink and I’ll hang out and cheat for a while. If there’s no up front agreement then scootch over and make room for me on the sofa in front of the fireplace, Nan.
dang…who knew goats were so competitive!
This is how I feel when I watch our politicians raping the Constitution.
Hi Monica! We’ve all been wondering what you’ve been up to since Friends went off the air; it’s good to hear from you.
Heh. I used to be the same way. But it seems like lately people never want to play party games wi-
Oh.
Dang.
I love games and I think you’ve just been playing the wrong type of games. First of all, find a game that involves martinis. or beer. or any alcohol at all. But you must play the game to drink, not be a lousy spectator sucking on a ciggy. And just remember this, you can add alcohol to any game. or movie. In fact, I need a martini right now…
Awesome, do you do children’s birthday parties? Because Riley McCabe has been freekin’ cheating his way to the candy prize every damn year and it’s time someone put their hoof down. Maybe you could just come over for cake and if he cheats you get in his face and be all, “you think it’s funny? Well, I’m not smiling under this goat beard.”
Thank you for commenting. I was so happy that someone else caught the “Elisabeths” reference because I’m usually the only one laughing at my own jokes.
Sorry about the double. I thought the first one disappeared. OOPS!
I recommend that if ever invited, you decline said invitation. LOL We are all about the games and cheat, cheat, cheat! We strongly believe that all is fair in love and war and party games!
I recommend that if ever invited, you decline any invitation to my house. LOL We are all about the games and believe strongly that all is fair in love and war and we cheat, cheat, cheat!
ok, i am going to confess…i am a cheater *gasp* i can’t stand to lose…i will do whatever it takes to win…victory will be mine!!! buwahahahaha!!
Preaching to the choir Love. Amen!
I seriously get nervous when people start to bend the rules. If you need a wet blanket, just give me a call – 1-800-bor-ring.
Meet you at the fireplace.
Em
You should so see my family on game nights. It’s chaos! It doesn’t matter if it’s men vs. women, old vs. young, couple vs. couple – they always end up fighting. It’s crazy, but yet we do it at least once a month. I think half are like you (including me) and the other half are those folks who say aw it’s just a game lighten up! Ack!
Haha… well, I won’t play games, but not for the same reason. I get bored with them too easily. I have yet to find a game that keeps me interested long enough to get all the way through it.
I love hearing about other people’s neuroses. Thank you for sharing this. I have a very, very competitive streak, and I don’t like losing…
Yah, but dressing up like a tart–you just can’t beat it.
LOL. I was like that, but have you heard of Cranium?
Great for a fun afternoon, or an evening over drinks as it has something for everyone!!
My problem is I never know when someone is cheating. I once lost 5 straight times at Risk to a 7 year old. I went to his parents and praised the boy to no end. I was informed by grandma that he always cheats at Risk. Dogh!!!
I get so mad when people cheat–unless of course it’s me doing the cheating! 🙂 hehe
Yeah, you go girl. Cheaters never win 😀
Girl you crack me up!!!!!
I’m the same way and then people whine when I don’t play but then cheat anyways. Then they want to know why I won’t play with them next time. DUH!!!!
I have a core group of friends I know I can play with because they won’t cheat. Otherwise I am no fun to play with.
Plus I think my competitivness is a little out of control. 🙂
NGIP, I’m the same way… in less I had (as in I don’t any more) been drinking. Then I would go ahead and play, but call them on every cheat….
Oh no games! – Can’t stand them in any shape or form. I even hate playing snap with the grandchildren and when it comes to The Weakest Link on the computer just pass me the sick bucket!
heehee You sound just like my friend Stacey!
You have an award waiting to be claimed at my blog dear Nanny!
LOL this was great. I’m not so into games, though. I approve of clever cheating if everyone agrees that it’s okay to cheat, because then you have a game within a game, of who can cheat more cleverly without getting caught.