What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when he hits a windshield?
His ass.
So, I’m on this plane coming back from Hawaii and we hit turbulence and I start stressing out. Not about dying, but all the planning required for surviving a plane crash. If we should be so lucky as to have a Sully-like pilot who manages to safely land on the ocean like a waterbug, then when we jump down the inflatable ramp, they either won’t let us first grab our carry-on luggage (for which I mentally go through the moves and how I can scoop up everything and take it all with me), or I’ll be a screaming banshee, pushing everyone out of my way to get off first like George Costanza in that fire episode on Seinfeld, pushing down old ladies and not once thinking about my bags (or helpless children).
I think about all the crap I’m going to lose, like my driver license, and my credit cards and my car keys and what a total pain in the ass that would be to replace all that, and how am I going to drive the two hours home from San Francisco at 10:00pm if I don’t have my car keys.
If I perish, then I won’t give a crap that my keys are at the bottom of the San Francisco Bay, because the cars in Heaven don’t need keys (and they get like, infinity miles per gallon).
If I survive, without my luggage, my laptop with all my photos that I haven’t yet posted on my blog would also be swimming with the fishes. And that would piss me off. But if I died? It wouldn’t matter, because Heaven is the big automatic alternate storage device. Just one big fat server – the true concept of cloud computing.
But then the turbulence stops and I simply go back to complaining about how I wasted my frequent flyer miles to fly first class on one of those smaller B-717 planes where you can easily touch the seat in front of you and how there’s no foot rest and how there are not one but TWO babies crying in front of me.
Sampling NGIP
Nanny Goats in Panties was finally listed as an example of what to do instead of the insanely popular what NOT to do. Yay! Thanks to the website Master Success Mindset.
The Russians Are Talking! The Russians Are Talking!
Can anybody explain what these guys are saying about NGIP?
Goat Thing(s) of the Day
Fi of Four Paws and Whiskers showed me that goats can indeed grow on trees.
And have I mentioned the Surfing Goat Dairy on Maui yet?
[…] think Nanny Goats in Panties is partially to blame for the want of goats… That and the State Fair… They always make […]
I linked to this post today 🙂
Came over from SITSa for the first time – I know the joke at the start of this post wasn’t the point – but I’ve had a long day and it made me laugh out loud, probably for longer than it should of – but I needed it!
Thanks! Going back for more!
PS It’s great to find a ‘non-mommy’ blog…not that I don’t love reading up on my friends (‘real’ and ‘internet’) children – sometimes I just feel like, what could I have to say, so I love it when I find others who are not mom’s – or do not blog about their kids…
I have drawn this very important conclusion: You are a MUCH more reasonable aircraft passenger than I will ever be.
I have also drawn this second conclusion: You definitely know Anna in person. Because I feel that forward motion, and I’m all the way out here, on the east coast, my hair flapping as she drives by.
I wonder if the the goats in the tree were surrounded by mice? :p
Yes! I used to worry about what would happen to my wallet if I fell in the lake when I was a kid and go fishing with my father.
Stumbled.
There are no car keys in heaven?
We all drive, what then…Lexus’?
Cool.
(in Bossy Mom voice) “You know, there are starving tourists on the East Coast that would be GRATEFUL for frequent flyer miles and a plane trip anywhere. Now eat your lima beans.”
I too am glad you didn’t perish into the Pacific Ocean. Every time I am in a plane and there is bad turbulance I start to get teary eyed about dying. I am not afraid to die but I just start thinking of my loved ones. It would be so hard for them to have to live without me!
I would have peed all over first class if that would have happened to me…and after landing safely I would have peed anyway for such crappy service and not providing me with a leg rest and two muzzles for the screaming tots!
Glad you made it back safely!
Only a true blogger would understand your pain of why the thought of loosing your blogg images would pass through your mind in a near death experiance.
I understand. I won’t Judge.
After having flown in a little plane around Angel Falls (the tallest waterfall in the world) in Venezuala; I’m cured OF any turbulance stress…
I have this recurring nightmare where the plane is going down and I tell the person next to me all the dark and dirty secrets, bare my soul, and then suddenly we start to level and I’m left knowing another person has all my dirty goods with which to walk out of the plane with.
you know, when that plane went down one of the things I thought about afterwards is what if I lost all my favorite clothes. It’s not like I travel with plans to wear all my crappy stuff
Plus there is the thought that mermaids might find your drivers licence and credit card then steal your identity… what am I saying, mermaids wouldn’t do that.
You’ve been tagged!
oh yeh, you totally wasted flying first class on the toy plane. I hate turbulence. That feeling of my stomach in my throat is not how I intend on spending my last few moments.
When I experience turbulance..and am afraid of dying, I feel better by thinking about the following:
I won’t have to worry about school loans anymore.
It works every single time.
It never fails. No matter where I sit on a plane, there is inevitably a crying baby one seat away.
Very prophetic words. One big fat server in the sky. I never thought about it but I guess I CAN take everything with me. That is, if I’m headed that way.
God, I hate flying. Always good to know there is a downside to survival. Very funny.
Hey, I copied and pasted it into this free translation site online:
http://translation2.paralink.com/
And here’s what came out:
“Did not meet, fine!
But saw culture-schmulture, motives from a yiddish”
I have no idea what that means! LOL
Susan
Me? I’d be George Costanza.
So, I’m guessing you didn’t crash since it wasn’t on the news. It did make me think that I should get an extra set of keys for my car since my spare set was lost. I’m guessing men don’t think like this at all.
I had a similar realization when realizing our upgrade had no meaning on a small jet. Talk about buzz-kill.
I seriously want one of those infinity MPG cars! Glad you made it home in one piece.
Loved the “Goats Can Grow On Trees” photo! (So glad they didn’t end up entertaining fish in the bottom of the ocean!)
Stopped over from SITS! You were above me on roll call today. Have a great Tuesday!!
I’m glad you were thinking about your laptop and photos for your blog. You’ve definately got your priorities in order!
Well, I’m glad you made it. We all are. Even without Sully.
We’re about to book a trip to Hawaii and use our sky miles for first class so what you’re saying is I should find out what kind of plane they’ll stick us on before wasting those miles??
I’m getting a lot of Russian links too so maybe we should go find an interpreter. 🙂 I’m sure it’s all good. *wink*
Turbulence is God’s way of saying “What the F@#$ are you doing? I saved this flying thing for BIRDS you idiot!”
God is soooo literal.
This is one of the numerous reasons I hate boarding the hurling tube of death. The last flight I was on the F.O. (first officer) landed the plane. She came in a little too hot and almost overshot the runway which would have caused the vessel of germs to hurl into a huge snow bank at the end of the runway. I clenched my butt cheeks together as tightly as possible and prayed to the all the gods and godesses I could think of and low and behold we stopped inches from the snow bank. I looked at the 400 year old flight attendant and said “Wow, that was a close one” to which she answered “No, not really.”
Thank the great goat goddess you made it home in one piece! I hate flying too, but I find that a few drinks will make me forget my days in radio news reporting plane crashes…. and who had the gall to let those babies into first class… on long flights they need a nursery for kids, way in the back.
The one part translated to “It did not meet, healthily! Then saw culture-schmulture, motives from [idisha”
I guess [idisha thinks that he met a goat (perhaps one in your header) under bad conditions. He wants to try again, maybe.
I’d pick death over going to the BMV. Every. time.
I think everyone here is glad that you are still alive, have your credit cards, licenses, and keys. But yes, if there’s a fire, push down old ladies and children as they are complete liabilities and save bloggers first!
I think the Russians are wondering if Nanny Goats in Panties is a code name for some mail order bride scheme.
I think the Russians are just asking if there is a website for tight assed easels.
I freak out too about just a little turbulence. I actually just flew back from a vacation and was thinking the same thing about replacing all the items in my purse. Hehe.
Stopping by from SITS….cute blog!
OK–we leave for Maui in two days!
*We’re flying first class too…I refuse to fly in coach after we did that one time and it was HELL. Now we do first class only & it’s all the difference. The last time we flew we had the plane with the lay-flat seats…I hope we don’t have a smaller plane this time!
*I’ve been working on Hubbs to talk him into going to the goat dairy! I really, really want to see it!
I put the Russian into Babel fish. The beginning of the conversation is no more understandable in English than it is in the Cyrillic but at least he got a result
“Is must, thanks, lexicon is enlarged:”
Well at least it wasn’t his penis!
I spent six hours flying from LA to Hawaii with a group of college students who kept screaming “Agghh! We’re all going to die!!” whenever we hit the tiniest bump in the air.
Considering I am a nervous passenger, it isn’t fondest holiday memory…
I’m flying next Friday. Not my fave thing to do. I shouldn’t have read this or watched CNN these last few days.
Know how I can score some Xanax? LOL
You know – all things considered,it looks like dying would have been less trouble than surviving. . .
Don’t ever put me behind the controls of a plane!!!
Not sure what ‘Igor” was saying… but it ended with :-)) so, I’m guessing it was friendly. I have had repeated nightmares about plane crashes since I was young. I’m flying to the Bahamas on Wednesday. If I don’t return, just to let you know? I really liked your blog. And if I do return? I look forward to reading your next post. 🙂
Looks like the annual Goat Picking Festival is about to begin …
I wish we had a picture of your face while you were thinking about this stuff. I bet that would be worth a laugh or two. I was cracking up that you were worried about your car keys. Too funny!
I’m with Jan. I think the russians probably googled ‘hot mama’s, panties, and beards’ looking for a porn-site and found actual goats. I think they’re bitching you out.
Glad you made it back safely.
I’ve heard that in heaven, pages load even faster than if you have a T-1 line.
That’s gonna be awesome.
Oh, and seeing my childhood cat.
That’ll be awesome, too.
:^) Anna
Not only are your posts hilarious, but I’m still laughing as I read the comments. Geez. Youse guys are funny!
Glad you made it back safe and aren’t swimming with the fishes. Isn’t it nice to be cold and not in all that awful sunshine and warmth? HA! ♥ ∞
You obviously don’t take Xanax like I do when I fly.
Cheated. CHEATED!!!
First class my ass.
(it’s better spelled the American way. If I write it the way I normally would, I’d have to write first clarse my arse) :)))
I’m glad you made it back in one piece. A bumpy ride over land is one thing but over the ocean….hold on I’m hyperventilating. There is no telling what those Russians are saying since they have decided they don’t like us again.
Man I’m glad I kept reading I thought this post was going to say at the end that it was posted from heaven….
I think the Russians are bitching about the lack of goats actually in panties. Let’s face it, hon – your blog leaves absolutely NOTHING to the goaty imagination.
Either that, or they’re wondering where the hell the money shots are.
The Russians are using you as an excuse to blow the dust of the ‘red button’ that will blow up the world. It is true, you really ARE eliminating all hope for world peace one post at a time.
Unfortunately, I am addicted to your evil blog! curse my weak nature!
The Russians are saying, “Whoa, go check out this NGIP blog. She’s one hot goat. I wonder if she’d, like, consider dating a Russian bear? If we gave her lots of vodka?”
No, sorry, I have no idea what they’re saying.
That stuff’s all just material. And regards to photos on your laptop-upload them all into shutterfly and then if you lose your laptop they are still floating around in Internet land for ya!
How quickly we calm down once we realize we’re not in danger of actually dying!
I am very glad you weren’t sacrificed to the Pacific Ocean.. No one could ever
bring us the goat things like you can