Five days into our Maui vacation and we were bored out of our minds. Bored, bored, bored. I mean you can only see so many whales, sunsets, waterfalls, and volcanos (YAWN! Am I right?). So we decided to go off the beaten path. There’s this place we found called Aloha Joe’s Fly-By-Night Maui Vacation and Island Adventure Tours, Inc. And based on several packages we embarked on, I can now safely tell you what NOT to do on a Maui vacation.
Harpoon Lessons
This is an exhausting all day tour with no lunch breaks. Lessons in the morning, immediately followed by a sun-burning, sea-sickening whale hunt. Also, they yell at you if you accidentally stab a dolphin. Sheesh! What do they expect from beginners? Plus, my dad can’t see very well anyway. We won’t be doing this tour again.
Playing With Feral Cats
For $29.00 they only give you one bag of live rats and one hour in a pen of feral cats. At least they let you pet them. I would have taken pictures, but the cute little kitties ate my right hand. Which is the one I use to take photos.
Helicopter Diving
This is the one you’ve probably heard about where you dive out of a helicopter into the Haleakala Crater. At night. You don’t get a parachute or anything, but at least this time, they send you down with a bag lunch.
Baby Seal Clubbing
Sorry. We thought this was going to be a nightclub. With dancing or something. With baby seals. It sounded so magical in the brochure.
A Taste of Hawaii
An all-you-can-eat-buffet of poi. That’s it, just poi. Oh, and Mai Tais. Each table is supplied with barf bags. Thank God.
Being the nonconfrontational person that I am, I meekly tried to complain to the tourist company, but they blustered back at me about how you can’t please some people and what snobby haoles we were. Needless to say, we’re pretty much done with Maui.
After two weeks of daily messages to my travel agent, she finally called back and set us up for another vacation. Next stop: Columbia. She says the country is beautiful, but it’s the people that really take you away.
Goat Thing of the Day
If you’re ever at the Kula Lodge on Maui, consider ordering the Billy Goat Float…
I did?
Oh. Never mind, then.
I literally LOL’d reading this to myself! Harpoon lessons & Baby Seal clubbing?! I love animals but I couldn’t help myself- that was hilarious!
That Billy Goat Float looks amazing, as does a trip to Maui, LOL. Enjoy your day being the featured SITS blogger. I enjoyed visiting! 🙂
I wish I had known, my brother lives there and would be a great tour guide. I hope your hand grows back. Better luck on your next vaca!
You are wonderful. Just wonderful.
My only complaint. Next time I want pictures. :o)
No sex on the beach? Were you afraid you’d get crabs?
I’ve been to maui, its an amazing place. Never harpooned or clubbed anything though.
I love your humor!
On Maui…and whining???
Not feeling sorry for you. Nope, not at all. I would kill for such boredom. *sigh*.
I do love me some Maui.
Phew. I’m glad I read this before booking my vacation to Maui. It sounds just awful.
Mai Tais and seal clubbing… sounds like a great holiday
You know how people always type LOL but they probably aren’t REALLY laughing out loud? I lie all the time about this but on THIS POST, I was really laughing out loud … to the extreme annoyance of my husband. The Feral Cat thing just got me. And then the Seal Clubbing. And the Volcano diving with bag lunch.
I am so glad I’m not the only one who goes to Hawaii and gets bored. I hate all those people who come back and say they wished they had one more week there!
But did you go to the other islands? I mean, what about Kamaniwannalayya? They have all kinds of diving activities over there. So I’ve heard. But I would probably just go to the goat dairy.
Wow, and I thought all there was to Hawaii was coconuts and leis….oh, and spam!
Hope you had/are having a great time!
Now WHO can pass up a poi buffet? All you can eat means you can stuff your pockets full for a late night snack! OR, use it to seal up all those air holes when they start appearing on your airplane flight back home.
So now that you are doing a goat thing of the day, may I suggest a post on Joaquin Phoneix, who seems to be turning into a goat…
What the hell? You can’t take pictures with your left hand? Too bad, I love kitties.
What no swimming with the Tiger sharks?
Damn I have missed out on so much. NGIP I have missed being here. Come to my place next time. You can play deliverance with the boys in the next holler.
I love it! The Billy Goat Float!
Columbia here we come!
My husband is from Colombia, DON’T GO THERE! SERIOUSLY, DON’T!
Poi and Feral Cats seems odd at first but i bet it is an intoxicating experience. I mean Poi, Feral Cats and a bottle of everclear. Anything is funny after you burn your throat with gasoline.
You left out the Big Kahuna’s screaming Hana Road Tour and the lovely lava tube car break-in excursion. We had a group that were in the hotel next to us that went to the lava flow and they had everything stolen out of their rental car. Including the seats.
Only you could see Maui that way. You’re whacked, babe. WHACKED.
I say your blog in someones blog roll and how could I not click on it with a name like that… LOL
I used to have a pygmy goat as a pet. She was super adorable and useful and the meanest animal I’ve ever known 🙂
Hmmm… Now I’ve got bad feeling about all the time my son spends on “Club Penguin.”
And, oh, you’ll love Columbia. By the by, would you mind toting home a little package for me from a local friend of mine? It’s not too big or anything. I’m sure you can find someplace to cram it.
Thanks mucho.
I mean mahalo.
Whatever.
i have it on good authority you did actually have a good time as evidenced here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/clairish/3143527730/
and here:
http://www.hawaiimagazine.com/images/content/Fourth_July_Kilauea_Volcano_Village/Volcano%20goat.jpg
HEHEHE you are one very sick woman…which would explain why I love you so much. Thanks for the Cola horking laughs
I think that volcano-diving thing’s just for virgins. Thery wouldn’t let me try it when I ws there 2 years ago.
Oh, I would have loved to go clubbin with the seals! Too bad they meant it literally! And please tell me you really didn’t stab a dolphin! LOL
We leave for Maui Wednesday, & I thought you were serious at first! 🙂 And I sooooo want to go to the goat dairy. We’ve been to Maui five times & I can’t ever talk anyone into going. But my son, who is now 5, LOVES goats so maybe he’ll be on my side this year! 🙂
The Billy Goat Float sounds totally delcious. I wish they sold them at my local Dunkin’ Donuts.
at least you got some sun, huh?
Next time you get bored on a Hawaiian vacation, just come home and I’ll finish it for you.
Oh man, thanks for the heads up. I would have totally fallen for the baby seal clubbing too.
Yeah, don’t bother with the ‘Pamper yourself at the Cancer Center Spa’ either. Staff’s great but it’s just not a fun time.
I was in Maui in 2005. We went sea turtle hunting @ the Maui Ocean Center. They kicked us out….I just don’t understand it.
I love that you found a Billy Goat Float on the menu on vacation. How funny!
That volcano diving thing gets really boring after five attempts. Not missing anything there!
gah! i can just imagine how boring maui would be. did your harpooning vessel indicate “Whale Research”?
If you’re going to pay money to get disappeared, try Guatemala, it’s cheaper.
baby seal clubbing, pants or a skirt?
I TOLD you Hawaii sucks! But nooo you wouldn’t listen. Just had to experience that warm, sunny weather for yourself. Booorrriinng.
[snort]
Hey, while you’re in Columbia, just be careful not to inhale too hard. ⥠â
Well look at it this way. At least you know how to say Mele Kalikimaka and your volcano singed hair should grow back by the time you get yourself snagged by a cartel in Columbia.
Hey! I have that trip to Columbia brochure. I’m signing up for one of those “Pretend to Be a Drug Smuggler” adventures where they pack my nether-parts with baggies and drop me off the coast of Florida. Should be fun! I’ll see you there.
Billy Goat Float…mmmmmmm…right up my coco-ddicted alley. And root beer? God, what I’d give to find root beer in Holland. And weather.
Great! Now I will have to re-plan my whole Hawaiian vacation that I might take someday. Dammit I was looking forward to the seal clubbing. I got the same broucher as you did.. Bastards lie!
Darn, you missed the hands-on demonstration at the lei stringing factory.
You get a bag of blossoms and a sharp needle to poke our your eye.
p.s. cute goats.
Well damn, what a bunch of ungrateful travel agent bastards. You should tell them to kiss your bleating ass.
Anyway, now I’m jealous. I thought the vacation I took last year to Vlad’s Bran Castle was gonna be cool as a lovely mug of swirling plasma.
But noooo, those people have completely forgone the thrill of the hunt. I mean the nerve of them running and screaming to avoid my fine American eyeteeth, sheesh.
Bunch of figgin posers.
Hey, “haole” is an anagram of “ahole”.
HA! some “language”! Hey, how much are those puka shells in real money?!
What? I know you are, but what am I?