After a visit to the Circus of Misfit Animals that is my father’s house, I have decided to open a shelter for off-kilter four-legged friends. I will call it The Nanny Goats in Panties Institute for Retarded Pets and Waffle House (because in this economy, you gotta have a backup plan).
Why am I using the word “retarded?” Because calling them morons or idiots is just plain mean. I don’t mean “retarded” in the derogatory sense; I mean it in the literal sense, so look that up in your Funk & Wagnalls.
And I’m not talking about physically disabled kitties like Ringo, the one-eyed feline, who has no trouble swinging it with the ladies. No, I’m talking about a cat named Fred who is currently squatting at my Dad’s house.
Ladies…? Meet Fred:
This poor homeless cat who has already sent two of the other residents to the vet, is currently locked up in my father’s bedroom, with occasional daily privileges to the rest of the house when the other wounded-but-recovering residents are outside. I forget his story about why he is there or, I don’t care or, whatever. And I don’t know if he is actually retarded, but he’s cross-eyed and that can’t be winning him any prom dates now, can it. If you were a cat, would you date this guy? No, of course you wouldn’t because you’re a vain fur ball and looks matter! And if you look retarded, you are not getting any.
On the other hand, Ringo whom some of you met and fawned over last Fall, is like Sylvester Stallone after a boxing match.
He wears his missing eye like a war-torn battle hero. Whereas Fred:
Fred looks like the guy in Accounting who lost his job long ago but still shows up anyway so they transfer him down to the basement and he wants to know whatever happened to his stapler.
Yeah, THAT guy.
First of all, I would like to thank Google who has decided that Nanny Goats in Panties should be the #1 (NUMBER ONE!!!) search result for “Sacramento Humor Blog”. Woo Hoo! I should also note that it is the #1 result when you enter Nanny Goats in Panties, or does that go without saying? I always forget whether or not I should point out the obvious.
And I really appreciate Heather of Nobody But Yourself totally adoring me and stalking me in her post, Things Which Are Thingish.
A big THANK YOU to one of my longtime bloggy friends, Jan of Jan’s Sushi Bar for bestowing this pretty thing on me.
I would like to thank Gladys over at Gladys Tells All for the Lemonade Award. Thanks, Gladys!!!
And thank you to Jan at Jan’s Place for the Lovely Blog Award. Which is….lovely!
Fred is pissed off and cross-eyed from typing up all those damn TPS reports….then being sent to the basement? The INHUMANITY!!!
I have many pets…3 dogs and 2 cats to be exact. I have a large dog who is shy, a beagle who is a little she-at who lands in doggie jail (read: pound) all the time when he escapes the yard, and a chihuahua whose breath equals that of a whale. My outdoor cat has an overbite. My indoor cat is the only normal one of the bunch…and I’m pretty sure she would NOT be doin’ Fred. She’s conceited.
SITS check in! 🙂
Love your blog. It gave me a giggle 😉 Lots of love to your cats! We have two adopted shelter cats, and a rescue dog. They each have their own very distinct personalities, and that’s why we love ’em 😉
Will be back for more laughs!
I really hope you are submitting those pictures to http://www.cutewithchris.com
‘Cause he would love them as much as I do.
Oh, FRED! Come here, I will hug and squeeze you so hard your eyes will uncross.
I am quite besotted with Fred!
hey there! thanks for stopping by. i went back to SITS and couldn’t even find my comment – or yours! that place is hard to keep up with. i love those cats – you’re doing a wonderful thing, as is your dad! and congrats on the award too!
Ringo is a player, I can tell just from the photo. Fred, well, to be honest Fred looks like he’s a racist to be honest.
That name for your pet shelter is CLASSIC! And if you ever do decide to let in cats who are retarded in the derogatory sense, give me a call. My cat can be your first resident. (He’s currently licking his butt right in front of me…AGAIN.)
“I will call it The Nanny Goats in Panties Institute for Retarded Pets and Waffle House”
that is THE BEST NAME ever!!!!
Poor Fred. He has been persecuted for so long, he’s lashing out. I am certain he is just looking for sympathy and a nice recommendation for a new family, which you are not giving him, are you??? Poor Fred. So misunderstood. We must be kindred spirits. I too am misunderstood. All the time. Every day. By everyone. Can Fred and I be pen pals? Don’t you forget to tell him I asked. I know you!
We had a one eye’d dog…there is just something precious about that isn’t there? Ringo is absolutely a charmer. And Fred, poor Fred…
As an owner of four cats, I can say that all felines are retarded.
…and gay.
… … and mean.
Holla, Nanny
😀
I’ve given you the Honest Scrap award. Come check it out here
Nice awards . . . well done!
Take my cat…
No really.
We have a Farm cat named Fred. He was found in a campground in Fredricksburg, MD. He likes marshmallows. He doesn’t attack anyone though – except the pocket gophers and the Western Skinks. He brought the publicist the tail of a Western Skink. It was neon blue. Her friend said it was better than the tail of a Western skank….
Hey – thanks for stopping by my place. You are funny.
But I believe somebody over here has my red stapler.
See you on Goodreads!
First, you blog handle name made me laugh out loud.
Second, this post made me laugh out loud.
Third, you clearly did not read my actual post about the Snuggie. If you had, you would not only want one, but you would dream about wanting one. You would give up a kidney for one, it’s just that awesome.
And if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. Snuggies have feelings too!
You’re going in my Reader!
Awww, thanks for the shout-out! Makes me extra-glad I posted that lovely, ladylike post that I did this morning.
Seriously, my brain is cracked now and everything seems to be pouring out, as evidenced by my blog. This moving thing is gonna kill me, I think…
As to Fred, I totally spit-taked (spit-took?) when I scrolled down to the second picture. HEE!
However, as much as I laughed (as though I were Simon and Fred were Susan Boyle appearing on stage for the first time), I must say that our crazy cat (indoors-only, fixed and nuts) has a paramour who looks like something the cat dragged in. Well, more like something that the dog dug up, frankly… This mangy as heck, scraggly, scrawny, swaybacked, crookedy-faced orange tomcat that delights in serenading her from our front porch every. Freaking. Night. I asked her what she sees in him, but she wouldn’t say. The only thing I can think is that she is a gullible kitty because the tag on his collar says “Cool Cat” ………..
So, I’m just saying, at least Fred looks purebred. I mean, take a gander at the British Royal Family. They’re purebred too, and don’t tell me they’re not getting any – even Charles bagged himself a couple of babes along the way… Instead of imaging Fred asking about his stapler ala Milton, imagine him instead speaking in the poshest of British accents (more Pierce Brosnan than Michael Caine) and being debonair and charming. (Sorta like Susan Boyle opening up her mouth and singing like she did.)
No? Okay, it was worth a shot…
Fred needs to get himself a job working at Dunder Mifflin – alongside Kevin and Angela. Thanks for stopping by my blog 🙂
The strangest looking cats that I’ve ever seen in person were a three legged cat (with one of the FRONT legs missing – think about it – WEIRD) and the fattest cat I’ve ever seen in my life (like a Far Side cat – just a tiny face in the middle of a huge body). They belonged to a woman who adopted them from a shelter. Now THAT’S a true animal lover… Can’t speak for their intellect – but with those strikes against them, I hope they were cat geniuses.
Oh and by the way – I voted for you too!
LOL! Poor Fred. Maybe your dad should give him a makeover and play up his other features, then the eyes won’t be so noticably crossed…
You are the funniest person I know. Love your stuff. The writing stuff, not your body stuff. Errr. I mean I like your writing, not your body. No, that’s not it… I like your stuff… screw it. I like ALL your stuff.
I say, show me the waffles!
I think some kitty could love them both. After all, there is someone for everybody.
Hysterical! Sadly I know many Fred’s. In human form. lol
I don’t know. I think Fred’s got a kind of mystique goin on. I like a guy with a touch of insanity.
I can hook him up with Izabella that lives in the bathroom wall. Her eyes kinda do the same thing but she’s got a little pin head.
Congrats on being the most popular sacramento humor blog – very cool.
And I think both of my cats are candidates for your special home for animals. They lovable, but definitely not the brightest bulbs.
My mom is a crazy cat lady. Is your dad looking for a date?
She has a “problem child” like Fred (minus the wonky eyes) who slices all things, most notably people, to ribbons if they come within swatting distance. He is evil and I have asked her to dispense with him, but instead he gets locked in the basement. She found out that she can get kitty prozac for him (no lie), but she doesn’t want to drug him. I on the other hand am dying to slip a full size adult Xanax in a ball of tuna and have him wash it down with a vodka and milk chaser.
You and Fred have me rolling on the floor laughing and after the evening I had, this was just the laugh I needed to take all the stress away.
as stated previously.. you are way to funny!.. yes I will take one eyed cat dude over I am the nerd cat dude anytime..though accounting cat dude, does wear nice fur!
Jan 🙂
YOU ROCK on the AWARDS, but we all knew taht already 🙂 You’re the best.
As for Fred the cat– My mom has a cat that looks just like one of those “Happy Cows From California” cheese ads– White with black spots or is it black with white spots? Anyway, even Mom’s tramp of a cat would have nothing to do with Fred.
Thanks for making me laugh– again!
Bless your father, but no thanks. My three kids have special needs enough. No room in my life for special animals.
poor fred. no wonder he is so angry. being sent to the basement and all.
Just get them each a pair of Ray Bans and call it a day.
Getouddahere! Number one, eh? Me rykee. Congratulations! About Fred… I just can’t. Mean and cross-eyed? A winning combination.
Eheeheee. I was waiting for this one. >w>
Have you seen my stapler? Seriously? Maybe Fred has it??
PS: Congrats on the awards! You totally deserve what you get. :o) giggle
My dogs say all cats are retarded. And since your Dad has a (and I quote the dogs) “Cat problem” they’ll be happy to “help”, um, with that problem. [snort]
I don’t think it’s legal to google yourself in Georgia … sounds, you know, kinda “funny”.
LOL!!! :o)
can my kitty vincent come live in your cathouse? he will fit right in – not because he has an eye thing going on, he is quite handsome actually, but because he is “slow”
Well, his problem is his NAME. “Ringo” is a COOL name – who the hell calls a cat “Fred”? Shouldn’t he be “John” or “Paul” or “George”?
Poor Fred. You should just call him “Horace” and let him end it all now.
My mom and dad have a retarded cat too. She is part Siamese so she is cross eyed and I can’t help but think, “Bless her heart” when I look at her.
Hooray for being Numero Uno!!
And yeah, the cross-eyed cat is a bit strange. Maybe he just needs a hug.
Loving that you used the word “retarded”. I’m so over PC. OVER IT!
You just call in like you see it NGIP and we love you for it.
By the way, I love your back up plan. Waffles rock!
Oh we had a “special” kitty too. Life is never dull with them is it?
LoL.. this is probably the funniest animal post I’ve ever read!
Still raking in the awards I see. And may I say one thing: Did you say, LADIES? I realize that I have been referred to as a “girl” in the past but I can assure you that I have all the working parts that make me male. Just because you write about Goats in Underwear and all sorts of girly stuff, doesn’t mean there aren’t guys out there chuckling along with you. Just wanted to set you straight, er um, I really hate using that word…
I am have an extra cat I could send your father’s way. . .
Both eyes are in tact and working correctly. It’s only a slight problem with temperament. . .
I’m cracking up at the post…and that you ego googled yourself…I/we would never ever ever do that…honest! hehehe I love those poor handicapped kitties. So nice that they have a loving home. Hey maybe you can start a “not quite right kitty dating service”!
o.em.gee.
i love your posts.
they make me laugh
outloud
in my office
alone.
🙂
thank you.
and please kiss RINGO for me. (and i hate cats) because he’s so handsome.
and well Fred… keep your chin up special boy.
😉
xo
Is it too mean to say that Fred is super cute but does have the distinct look of being, as my mother puts it “something minus”?
Can cats wear glasses?
Sides hurt from too much laughing. I can never photography my stupid cats unless they are sleeping.