Driving to Los Angeles from Sacramento is like being hung by your fingernails for six hours, minus the joy.
If you’re from Sacramento, the infinite swath of asphalt is called I-5. If you’re from Los Angeles, it’s called “The” 5. If you live in both cities, like me, you spend many years being overly self-conscious while debating the use of a definite article. Eventually you pronounce ALL freeways using your L.A. words because L.A. is so hip, they must be right.
Regardless, that long-ass southbound trip becomes all about driving as fast as you can and avoiding this:
The speed limit is 70mph on most of I-5 The 5, which means you can go at least 75 before turning on your police radar. You don’t want to go so fast that this happens:
[This is where I would have inserted the picture of a terrible accident where I saw a car on its side, but I couldn’t grab my camera fast enough. Sorry. I did capture another accident later though, if that helps.]
Did I mention how long and boring this drive can be? Four hundred miles of more or less this:
You sing to yourself. You do glutes exercises. You think you can’t drive any further before going crazy and wonder how much longer and you pass a sign that tells you:
You are bored bored bored bored bored.
Then a fire truck whizzes by you and you see smoke up ahead. Yay! Some excitement. It takes at least five miles to reach it, plenty of time to grab your camera and take a couple of shots as you drive by.
You try to get one last shot in the rear-view mirror, but being the idiot photographer that you are, you don’t realize that the camera focuses on the mirror, not the object reflected:
Oh well, nice camera though, right? Why thank you! It was gift from my husband for Valentine’s Day last year. That’s why it’s red, see, because it was for Valentine’s Day, isn’t that cute?
Anyway….
Everyone has that one landmark on the map that designates the start of the “home stretch”. The point at which, you think, OK, it’s not long now. I’m practically home. For me it’s this:
Not the grey car, silly. Magic Mountain. Geez, do I have to spell everything out for you? By now it’s just a hop through Valencia, a skip across the Valley, and a jump past the Getty Museum into the Westside.
Home at last, home at last, thank God almighty I’m home at last. Yeah, there’s nothing like a cold drink to greet your road-weary soul. I walked in the door, approached the refrigerator and noticed a small black stain on the floor formed by some blackish fluid dribbling from the bottom of the door. Hmmm, that’s strange. Then I opened the freezer, when what to my wondering eyes should appear?
I can only guess that some elf got locked in there while I was gone and created an ice sculpture while waiting for my return to let him out. Either that, or the fridge is on the fritz. {SIGH} I noticed the door shelf (the one right underneath the ice dispenser) was filled with water.
Did you hear that? My freezer has WATER in it! You know, water? As in, not ice?
And yes, the refrigerator side isn’t working either.
{SIGHHHHHHHH}
So, the fix-it dude is coming on Wednesday between 11a and 3p. Or on Thursday between 8am and 11am. I’m not sure which one it is because for some reason two customer service people called me to make appointments after I made a service request via the home warranty website. I tried to talk to a human being but she just kept repeating the same thing over and over without actually answering any of my questions:
“Yes, I can make an appointment for you on Thursday.”
“But I already have an appointment for Wed.”
“Yes, I can make an appointment for you on Thursday”
So if I had to initially complain to a website, then make two appointments with machine-like humans, will a robot show up to fix my refrigerator? This should be interesting. I’ve never seen robot butt-crack before. I’ll be sure and get a shot of THAT for you.
Thanks goes out to Hammy of The Blah Blahs and the Yada Yadas for the Honest Scrap Award. Have you noticed that if you say it fast enough it sounds like Honest Crap? Hey, what a great name for a blog!
Been there. Done that. Didn’t want a stupid shirt because really…who wants THAT shirt? 2 years of my life was spent traveling 2 hours one-way (nothing in comparison, I confess) NORTH on “the 5”. Nobody wants that tshirt, either.
Didn’t notice the camera before I noticed your beautiful ring. Ron has great taste!
And what exactly will the robot fart sound like coming out of the robot crack? Ew.
I have moments when I want to move out west, and then I’m reminded how much nothingness is out there. It’s a nice vacation, but… I think I’m an East Coast girl. Yeah, it’s a little crowded over here.
“…debating the use of a definite article.”
anyone? anyone?
Try driving from Orange County to San Diego sometime. Of course, the last time I did that was 1979 so traffic patterns may have changed slightly. And if you say that award outloud really fast, it almost sounds like Honest Crap. LOL
Ok, since you used your blog to plug the plight of your friend’s dog, I thought you might help me out by plugging the plight of my friend’s grandson who has cancer. His father works for a Chrysler franchise that is going out of business and is losing both his income and his insurance. You can check it out on my blog and thanks for letting me use your comments for this plug. ๐
I felt like I was right there with you.
Driving back to NYC from upstate is deadly boring until you get right outside the city when it becomes a non-stop adrenaline fest. Luckily, not too many people actually crash.
For median fires, nothing beats a flaming Winnebago.
It’s sad that the living person you talked to was no more helpful than a robovoice. Sometimes I forget that when I’m screaming “Representative” at the voice recognition software. I used to curse a lot until I found out that sometimes it’s taped. (This way, no one will ever know I swear.)
I was laughing at the enthusiasm for any kind of break in the monotony…even if it required destruction or maiming! Sorry about your fridge…but you could probably sell that ice sculpture on Ebay…people will buy anything if you tell them it looks like the Virgin Mary.
That is a wicked journey & I can’t believe you left out the need for stink avoidance. You learn to be vigilant whilst bored out of your mind.
I could only imagine what else you do to entertain yourself during that drive. The picture idea was great! Those home warranty deals are great! Ours have saved us a boat load of money on an AC unit, two hot water heaters, a stove top, and electrical work. If I had to pay out of pocket full price for each I’d have to sell the house.
I’ve done that drive many times. I’m not sure if it’s as bad as the drive from Reno to Salt Lake though. Talk about hanging from your fingernails.
Thanks for stopping by my blog to help me celebrate my sits day today!
That is like the drive from Dallas to just about anywhere else in Texas…. long and boring! Thankfully with less police and accidents.
Make sure you get a picture of the robot ass crack. It’s gotta be better than the old man ass crack I got to see today. He dropped trou to show me the bruise on his crack!
How did he know that was exactly what I wanted to see at 9am?!?!
I HATE that drive. I have nightmares of long car rides from years gone by, when summers were spent driving back and forth in a station wagon with no A/C. Noooooooooooooo!
Wow. That is flat and boring. Much like a boobless cheerleader.
oh oh if you need someone to help get rid of the food in the fridge before it spoils i know someone who is really helpful and would like to help with that.
That’s one talented Elf! Wait, what is it supposed to be a spoon?
Makes me glad I don’t drive. Although the male person keeps talking about getting a goat cart and hooking me up to drive the publicist around. Not sure I like this idea. I am not “horse power.”
Hope your freezer isn’t too expensive to fix….
I, for one, can not wait to see the robot’s butt-crack.
yes that drive is a killer. but I can top it. San Diego to CHICO. Then back the next nay. FML.
Robot butt cleavage… Now there’s a bad mental image!
And I was kinda driving the same road as Diaryofamadbathroom when I saw your ice sculpture… only not. See it reminded me of some of the ones we’d carve out of the leftovers from a block of ice waaaay back in the day in another life when I made my living in the restaurant trade. To relieve the mind-numbing tension we would draw lots to see who got to create the latest ice prick from the leftover block. And this one actually looks like it could be functional… if you’re into that sort of thing I mean. Not saying you are, mind you, just … if you were…
Ah screwit… glad you made it back without immolation.
What a horrid drive. I’d have to take drugs or drink to live there and stay sane, well, semi-sane. [giggle] Nice camera. :o)
Your blog makes me homesick for CA, but certainly not for the traffic. Reminds me of the long stretch of road out to Vegas. That is a boring drive!!
Two things– Our ability to enlarge your pictures is a hoot– And you can “jump” past the Getty???? WTF? All I ever do at the Getty part of “The” 5 is move slowly in gridlock! You are goooooood! Safe travels!
Stinks about the fridge…actually, I hope it didn’t stink…that would be bad!
Our boring drives here are filled with acres upon acres of pine trees. You’ve heard the phrase “Georgia Pines”…they don’t lie. They’re everywhere.
400 miles of nothingness might send me over the edge.
At least with the pine trees, you have the occasional “fun” of having a deer jump in front of your car. ๐
I am SO disappointed. You forgot to mention the lovely odor of the dairy cows and the opportunity to eat green glop at Andersons. ๐
Just when I thought I’d gotten through your “5” story without peeing my pants from giggling, you start with the refrigerator. Keep this up and I’ll have to where Depends before reading your blog.
I hope you found the fridge elf.
Thanks for stopping by my blog & helping to make my SITS day special!
I can’t imagine driving on that highway! I wish I could take pictures of NJ roads for you LOL but i’m too busy being cut off, cursed at and honked at to “take in the scenery” LOL Freezer Elfs are real, my freezer had one last year…no fun ๐
Oh I can feel your pain…. it’s kind of like the drive from anywhere in Nevada back to San Diego. Nothing, nothing, nothing, a random “house” in the middle of nowhere, more nothing but just so you don’t fall asleep there’s the horrible smell of manure in Norco to wake you up before the next stretch of nothing. Good luck with the fridge!
Ew. That means that Texas isn’t the only one with a stretch. Of nothingness. I only like somethingness.
And what the??? with service these days? They are all so unwilling to provide the service they claim they want to provide. I think they need to be shot.
This actually looks like a roller coaster ride compared to a drive across the Canadian prairies – you can actually see Calagry on the horizon for about 8 hours! Anyway, I come for a reason – I was just telling both JD and Kathy about how much I think they would enjoy the forums over at CMF ads. Then it occured to me that you, in my mind at least, had recently joined the ‘Axis of Awesome’ – so, no pressure but I think you’d like it over there. Oh, and no – I’m not getting paid for this and have nothing to gain except for seeing some funny and familair faces over there. CHEERS!
http://www.cmfads.com/
Glad you survived the drive!! I would have been fighting to stay awake – I don’t do well on long drives such as those!!
A couple yrs ago we took a vacation and landed up in CA. Omg, the traffic! The humanity! lol. 85 mph around winding turns in high elevations in a rush hour with my husband who’s an idiot driver on a good day. Most of the time my eyes were closed.
Yikes woman, that is one dusty brown ride you took! Don’t know how you did it without mainlining Starbucks.
Don’t mean to be gross here, but when I first saw the pic of your fridge, before I read about the ice sculpting Keebler Elves, I thought it was a picture of a used, umm, uhhhh, how to say this….contraceptive device. Not that it would make ANY sense being draped over your freezer door and of course the scale of it would imply that the Jolly Green Giant…aw forget it. Welcome home.
Well at least when the first repair guy screws it up on Wednesday, you’ll have another service call built right in!
You didn’t explain what the Grapevine was, not that it’s so fascinating. And you want boring flat driving, take a trip to Saskatchewan, Canada. Call me from there and I’ll send out the Mounties.
drive north…. on “the 5”.. to oregon.
๐ i’d totally meet you there!
excellent drive by shots!
Poor little elf! ๐
Thanks for the comment! Incidentally, I really love goats, they are my #1 favorite animal…#2 being squirrels. ๐
Why are you taking photos while you’re driving?! Cause of accident…
You know, I hate to break this to you, especially after you were so traumatized by the median fire, but you might want to be nicer to your fridge. I mean, your ice is trying to run away. And they almost made it too — and they would have, if you hadn’t come home so thirsty and caught them in the act of slinking down the door. Does this give you any ideas, Nanny Goat? I mean, really. Be nicer.
I know that drive, it’s a killer!
Good luck with your fridge! I hope it goes more smoothly for you than it did for me with my DW. It took the guy six tries and 3 months to fix it! I thought I was going to lose my mind!
Can those who haven’t made that trip truly appreciate the utter complete and total boredom? You got it with the two distance marker signs.
What you didn’t share–no smellathon in your post–is the eau de Harris Ranch. Miles and miles and then some more miles of concentrated cow shit from a thousand head of cattle in the feed lot. When I see Harris Ranch beef advertised like it’s a good thing, I want to barf (good word, that, barf, better than puke,yes?)
at least my drive from home A to home B has some curves in it!
Remind me not to drive next to you, the lady taking pictures with her camera, and not watching the road. My Snuggie quivers in fear.
I can’t stop laughing at not realizing that the camera would focus on the mirror, not what you’re looking at, because I would have done exactly the same thing.
Your sculpture looks like a giant ice spoon!
Ain’t homeownership grand?? I feel your pain.
p.s. love the shot of the camera ๐
Dude. I love in the Dusty Flat Bowl. ๐
And yes, it is a mind-numbing drive. I’m usually just doing Sac to South Valley or South Valley to LA-LA-Land. I would hate to have to do it all at once. I would seriously need like books on tape or something just to keep awake and sane.
My sympathies. But thanks for sharing the drive with us. ๐
Hey I saw a lot of that too. Oh and we went through Arhnieland and he had already gone to Santa Bahbahwa.
Yeah Long ASSED drive.
Did you ever see the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer made an appointment with the Cable guy then avoided him…. teehee…