Oh sure, when we checked in to the Hilton hotel in Tucson, Arizona, it seemed innocuous. Pretty, even.
We should have known when we bore witness to grass at this so-called hotel, that something was afoot. I don’t know if you non-Arizonians know this, but people in many parts of Arizona, especially the desert-like Tucson area, do not have grass. Let alone the green variety.
What, you don’t believe me? Have I ever lied to you? Okay, one time! But I was protecting not only myself but the poor frog too. I mean we were both young and stupid and he had his tadpoles to think of. I’m not proud of what I did, but we both moved on and I was sort of hoping you’d have more compassion than you are displaying right now, quite frankly. Also? I can’t walk into my laundry room with the swamp photo wallpaper without breaking down, but I must soldier on because it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
So, besides that one time, have I ever lied to you? If you’re hesitating, let me help you. The answer is no. I haven’t. In fact, I have proof of said lack of grass in Arizona. Here is my Tucsonian friend’s front yard, sans grass:
And here is his backyard:
Anyway, back to the hotel. At check-in, the front desk guy says, “…and you’re on the 5th floor in Building 1…”. We leave him and wander around the lobby because we have no idea how to get to Building 1 and almost immediately another hotel employee asks us if we need help and he starts walking us to Building 1, which involves walking outside to the courtyard, and he explains that it has three floors and we say, but we are on the 5th floor and he says that people tell him he sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger, because we have told him that we are from California (we didn’t announce it — he asked. We don’t just go walking around bragging about how we are from California out of insecurity just because we have the left the comfort zone of the big C.A. I mean, jeez, Arizona is just next door for Pete’s sake).
This helpful guy, I begin to wonder why he’s walking us all the way toward our room. He brings up the California budget and Schwarzenegger’s approval rating as he takes us around the restaurant patio and the pool and I guess he does sort of sound like the Terminator.
He’s sure that building over there is Building 1. The fact that he is wearing a white coat is in the back of my mind but it is not rising to my conscious brain. He is not dressed like a bell boy. He is dressed like a chef. He tells us he has worked here for ten years and can’t seem to reconcile the building before us that clearly appears to have only three floors, yet the guy at the front desk told us it was the fifth floor and our room number is 5109.
We finally get to the elevator and he steps inside with us and we look at him like he’s going to pull out a knife at any second and tell us to hand over our wallets and he says that he wants to see this fifth floor for himself. We look at the elevator buttons, which finally explains the confusion:
We all share an uneasy laugh together as Ahnold continues with his silly hotel banter and at this point my husband, Mr. MudPuppy, is probably wondering if he’s going to want to come in to our room for a drink or something perverted and criminal involving the words “first degree”, because as we exit the elevator on the fifth-floor-but-not-really, Mr MudPuppy says, “Okay, I think we got it from here.”
We are from the big dangerous city and are not used to such friendly service from a guy who looks like a chef and OH MY GOD what if he wasn’t a chef? What if that was a straight jacket? Is there a mental asylum nearby that has already, unbeknownst to us, issued the equivalent of an Amber alert for a escaped lunatic? Holy crap, we can’t stay here! He knows where our room is and…and we have to calm the hell down because we are from the big dangerous city and we think everyone is out to get us and steal from us and hate us and want something from us and they would never do anything nice out of the goodness of their hearts. And only crazy people talk to strangers. Strangers don’t just start talking about stuff to other people simply because they are currently breathing the same airspace.
For whatever reason, we got free breakfast every morning and I’m not talking about here is your dry cheese danish and a styrofoam cup of coffee free breakfast. I’m talking about whatever you want from the rather large cafe menu or try our all you can eat buffet free breakfast. Here’s how cheap I am…I got up BEFORE 10am just so I could partake in this free breakfast. And breakfast, while delicious, included hash browns that looked like they came out of a tuna can:
One last thing about Arizona today and I’ll let you go. Did you know that if you don’t like the name of your street, you can just change it?
We came upon this street sign for Windowmaker Road. My Tucson friend who lives near here told us that the name of the street used to be Widowmaker Road (without the “n”).
When too many of the men began dying within the first year of moving into their new homes on Widowmaker Road, the remaining residents had the street name changed.
Now I can completely understand the desire to change this name, but in what other state can you just start going around changing such heavily bureaucratic and sloth-like-maintained things? Do you have any idea how many of these signs had to be replaced??? OK, probably only two as the street is only one block long, but still. And if you’re going to get brand-new signs, why not change it to something completely different, like Married Frogs Lane? Or, Screw the Tadpoles Avenue?
I know many NGIP readers live in Arizona. Perhaps some of you can explain all this crazy behavior which by the way includes and is not limited to, the non-observation of Daylight Saving time. And why is there never a road runner around when you need one?
Thank You Notes
Big Thank Yous go out to Veronica of The Next Step Up, Tracy of Be Mine and Miz Dinah of Dinah Gogina for the Beautiful Blogger Award.
And another rush of gratitude to Pam of A Love for New Recipes who bestowed upon me the coveted Sunshine Award.
Hi Margaret,
I’m from Mexico, City. I’m an English teacher and I found your description useful to be used with my students. (It’s really weird to write here, I’d never done it). Regards, Lups
Hello Lups! Thank you for leaving a comment on my blog and letting me know I can help you with your students somehow. I’m learning Spanish right now and hopefully I will know how to ask where the bathroom is by the time I go to Mexico in December!
By the way, how did you find my blog? Were you looking for something else and stumble on it? Or did you hear about it from a friend?
I have been away for awhile with too much junk going on…but so glad I am back. Loved this one. I lived in AZ for a very short time…and you are so right about everything!
You sound like you're from New York. People who are polite and helpful make me nervous.
There was a huge change in signage in the Southwest in 2003, when the powers that be bowed to pressure to change Highway 666 to 491. I was lucky enough to be in Utah at that time and my husband drove hours out of our way so I could get my picture snapped with what may have been the last sign. The photo is in my profile pics on Facebook. I know you must be dying to see it. And yes, I'm making devil horns.
Breakfast looks delicious – good for you for getting up early to enjoy it! I kind-of like the no grass look, plus it seems to be easy maintenence.
Did you ever find out why there was no 1st or 2nd floors? Plus wouldn't it be really cool if you could just change the name of your street like that? I live on Runner Oak and no one ever gets it right, even if I spell it, don't know why, it's not that hard. Go figure.
Have a great weekend!
Lorie – I forgot to ask why there was no 1st or 2nd floors! And how does one get Runner Oak wrong??? Do they think you're saying Bunny Spoke?
That man would have frightened me too. Perhaps he wanted to eat you…that's the kind of chef he was! Dun-dun-dun!
So – who was he?! Chef or as murderer?
My Uncle lives there sometimes, and said you don't need a car .. just a really fast golf cart with signals.
The frog thing: Um…you're one weird lady. Sorry, but you are.
Luckily, you're funny so it all evens out. 🙂
I am loving this blog! Glad I found you on Entrecard… Look forward to following you! And the name of the blog is too cute!
🙂
I can understand why people want to visit Arizona — it is home to the Grand Canyon, afterall — but why they would want to live there escapes me. There's no grass — nothing green at all that isn't poisonous or barbed — and it's not just hot, it's blast-furnace hot. Nothing's supposed to live there except lizards and scorpions. Not even goats, which are pretty hardy animals, but not that hardy. Those eggs look pretty good, though.
Between the missing floors and the geometrically perfect hashbrown servings I'm not so sure I trust this Arizona place.
You have just saved me a trip to Arizona. It sounds a lot like my part of California. We see roadrunners about 20 times a year- in fact, we have at least 2 that live on our property. And we have no grass. Now I never need to go to AZ.
Mmmmm. Eggs Benedict and a round glob of, um, oh yeah, tuna browns. I might find a diner and have that for dinner tonight.
“Circles of Food” he he
Those will taste o-so-delightful with my CARAMEL MILKY WAY
(Gloat!)
xo
Ann, what the heck? I come over here to a different blog and you're gloating about your winning the Caramel Milky Way!?! The foof!?!? Thanks a lot. I really wanted that too — even though I wouldn't have been able to have it until after Lent, but it probably would have taken that long to get to me anyway.
Let's see, so that makes at 3 blogs (THAT WE KNOW OF) that Ann is making
press with her candy bar.
ROFL You are so flippin' funny. I found Tucson depressing with it's lack of greenery. But I'm from Washington (west side) where it's all green all the time.
Xeriscape! Everybody in Arizona favors xeriscape! Which is why I escaped to Texas!
I want to know what's up with the RETURN button on the elevator? Is that some mystical floor, like Return to Mount Lemon? Or is it more techy, like the CTRL+Z of the elevator world? I could use one of those in my daily life.
They changed Butt Hole Road in England (which I blogged about last year), and it's hard to imagine what would have possessed them to change a cool name like that. But, heh, you know those Brits!
P.S. Where's your outline?
See, this is why you should never leave California. We may be going bankrupt, but at least we're still (mostly) sane here.
Hilarious post. 🙂
i heard all the grass and the first two floors of every building were wiped out by nearby nuclear testing, which would also explain the funny looking trees in that guys yard. and the imported canned hash browns.
I'm already getting shit and I haven't even commented. Thanks Katherine, for your support and faith in my ability to type and think at the same time.
The elevator and floor number thing is perplexing, did you get an explanation?
Redheadranting – To be honest, I sort of forgot about it and didn't think to
ask. I probably would have been disappointed with an explanation and prefer
the mystery anyway.
Green grass and no Roadrunners! Are you sure you were in Arizona? LOL!
And what a great free breakfast!! They should get an award!! Or something!
Hugs
SueAnn
Being a native Californian myself, I agree with you about the scary friendly people. When we moved to Oklahoma 16 years ago, everyone waved and said hello every which way we went. It was downright horrifying!
Did anybody wonder why you take pictures of everything?
Oceangirl – I'm pretty sure people look at me like a curiosity when I start
taking pics of weird things. I just try to ignore it. If I try to explain
that I have a blog, it just makes it worse. 🙂
Tucson (spelled correctly without use of copy & paste) is just not green enough for me. I need green! And that breakfast looked rather. ummm…well…interesting. I think I would have been okay with paying to eat out. And that's weird. Not having a 1st and 2nd floor. Just plain weird.
Hmm, I used to use the old WindowMaker window manager for Linux. I didn't know it had a street named after it. I wonder if Fluxbox Way exists someplace.
What a grand adventure you had in old AZ! I spent some time there and I noticed some folks were, um, er, very interesting (?) but mostly harmless. I was a total alien from Chicago….btw, I love their gravel lawns..NO MOWING!
WHOAH. Jen managed to comment ONE TIME… and she didn't even try to spell Tucson. (OK, I copied and pasted that, I'll be honest myself)
After reading this, I have a burning desire to search the word “frog” on your site!
Katherine – Ha! Actually THAT Jen (of RedHead Ranting) hasn't commented on this post. There are two Jens that have commented, and they are two different Jen's, not one of them making two comments – LOL!
Well, now! I've visited Arizona and I was really fascinated by their lack of green grass. I thought it was funny that some people had green pebbles in their yard. Still, it is even funnier that they don't have floors 1 and 2.
Are we sure the aliens didn't land in Arizona?
great post and amazing pictures. i try to convince my husband we need pea gravel as lawn as opposed to grass. he just can't seem to keep our grass alive or green. i have always wanted to visit AZ, ever since i saw “Can't Buy Me Love.” my husband did go there for a business meeting and was near the “Airplane Graveyard” but didn't get to see it. i'm still confused, why is there no 1st and 2nd floor? did i miss something? I read your post 3 times to try to figure it out. sorry. thanks for sharing and take care.
Don't worry, Kiki, – I'm still confused too. The plain and simple matter of the fact is that there was no 1st and 2nd floor. Seriously. They started at “3”. Who does that?
And the Airplane Graveyard – YES! Someone told us about that while we were there. That would have been interesting. I think.
hysterical!!!!! your chef/insane guy reminds me of the scary ride we had in a gypsy cab outside Yankee stadium (I HAVE NO IDEA why we got into a gypsy cab especially since our then young son was with us)……………anyway he kept driving in weird places – easy to do in the Bronx & we finally calmed down after realizing he was a lost foreign cab driver & not a serial killer)
I'd get up early for that breakfast, too! Glad the chef who was guiding you to your room didn't show you his knives.
CatLadyLarew – Eek! Good point!
ROTFL! Oh my gawd, who WAS that masked…I mean, white coated man? The breakfast looks divine darling! xx
Stopping by from SITS
I'm not from Arizona but I like Arizona. I especially like their grassless yards…they're so cool.
That movie “Can't Buy Me Love” with Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy) is based in Arizona, and I always wondered where they got that grass he was cutting – being the lawn boy and all!
Wait. I think I've found floors 1 and 2. They are over in Building 10 which is around the block on California Street where they make windows.
I'm guessing you won't be hired to write a “Come to beautiful Arizona” brochure any time soon. Was it real grass or Astroturf? And yeah… who wouldn't be suspicious of a friendly, helpful face?
Grass in Arizona is like grass in Palm Springs– Why???
Your “bellman” sounds like an interesting guy. I wonder who he REALLY was 🙂
jj
omg that made me laugh!!!! Love that pic of the elevator buttons…you need to send that to Jay Leno! Oh wait, he's gone…no, he's back…or is he gone again? It's so logical to just start on floor three. Those first two were divas anyway.
And the crop circle breakfast! Images of big circle glasses used as cookie cutters come to mind!
Too funny…and as usual your sense of humor is hysterical.
First of all your breakfast looks like it was heavenly! I would have gotten up early to eat that too.
Second of all, that elevator is just CRAZY. 3, 4 & 5? I cant even being to imagine the thinking behind that! And where exactly are floors 1 & 2 ?
I will say that I am glad they changed the name of that street!
Well I guess since you are writing this, you are still alive and well. And I like the question, What do the goats eat in Arizona, poor things??? I guess they learn to eat cactus. Thanks for the funny review of your hotel or whatever it was in Arizona.
No wonder you got up before 10 am just to eat that breakfast. You're not cheap, you're smart!
What a nice breakfast! I do get tired of the stale donut & burnt coffee. I would kind of miss the clean smell of fresh-cut grass, but not the cutting itself…lol. And I guess you can grow chia pets for the goats…lol. Sorry! I would NEVER do that to them. (((HUGS)))
Love the breakfast circles. I'm hungry now so those circles look delish! So where did the 1st and 2nd floors go? That's just whacky!
I'll pass on the various cacti, but that breakfast is a definite plus for Arizona. Yum!
The hotel certainly is a little green oasis.
I love how Lacy made the journey with you.
Breakfast looked YUMMY! I would have been up in time to part take as well!
No grass! How do the goats survive?!
What goats? I never saw any!
Grass is over-rated really… all that mowing and maintenance. AZ must be ahead of it's time. 😉
I always loved the grass-less yards in Tucson–nothing to mow! Why the hotels bother to insist on fake lawns, I don't know; the natural cactus look is better. My favorite street name in Tucson is “Silverbell” where we used to live–so pretty!
Congrats on your awards, girl. So ya left us hangin…..did the man in the white coat ever come back??? Heeeheehe!
Have a glorious day!
What about these for a street names in Arizona? Needle my fingers Road [on the vain of Shiver mi timbers] or Hot as hell lane?
Loving the holy trinity circles of breakfast…looks divine! Be sure and take “It's not easy being green” off your ipod list. It'll help your sanity.