Poor Sacramento. The red-headed stepchild of California.
I’m not here today to bemoan the fact that Sacramento was ranked #5 on the Forbes List for most miserable cities in the US.
Nor am I here to point out there are no less than five Facebook pages whose titles include the words “Sacramento Sucks”.
And never mind that Sacramento Fashion Week lasted only four days, while Sacramento Beer Week goes to ten.
A fourth reason I am not here is to wax tragic about how this one-sports-team town is on the verge of losing said team to a city that is currently hoarding two other teams in the same sport as well as another team with the same name.
That’s right - our NBA team, the Sacramento Kings, is most likely giving up their posh “big fish in a little pond” status, to go to Los Angeles (Anaheim, to be more specific) where it will become the little redundant fish in a big pond because L.A. already has two NBA teams. And L.A. already has a team called the Kings (whose colors are coincidentally variations of blue, black and purple. And crowny).
I mean are the owners packing their gold-encrusted suitcases just because we can’t get off our Number 5 miserable butts and build a new arena with fancy schmancy luxury boxes?
Well, Kings owner guys, what took you so long to realize that we are not the deciders? So what if we are the hemmers and the hawwers when it comes to progress? Don’t you realize we take pride in exhaustive, oppressive, and soul-sucking debate? No, no, you go ahead and leave. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya, I say.
But, as I stated earlier, that’s not what’s bothering me.
Arco Arena. (Source: CBS)
What’s gotten in my craw is that a corporation who sells cheap-ass gas will no longer adorn our arena, our King’s castle, with their name because it has been replaced by a corporation who has become a global mockery of pseudo science.
I heard a podcast recently that made fun of Sacramento all the way from Australia because we’ve renamed a venue from Arco Arena to Power Balance Pavillion. These Australians, among others, have already nicknamed it “Placebo Pavillion” and “Snake Oil Arena”.
Why?
Because these Power Balance yahoos, if you haven’t heard this story already, sell rubber wristbands bedecked with hologram stickers claiming they will improve flexibility, balance and strength by “optimizing the body’s natural energy flow.” Magic bracelets for $30.00.
Step right up folks, we’ve just paid oodles of dollars for our name to be plastered all over this arena. But we’re holding off on that signage installation to first see if the Kings move to Anaheim because we don’t want our good name associated with an empty, no-team-havin’ LOSER venue.
What? That Australian fraud thing? Pay no attention to the law behind the curtain down undah, folks. We stand behind our scams products. Why, even suckers highly respected sports figures like Shaquille O’Neal endorses them.
Lawsuits? What lawsuits? Go away kid, you bother me.
And since certain people in this town will take money from anyone, we also look forward to the renaming of our capitol building to the Kevin Trudeau School of What They Don’t Want You To Know, where convicted felons of all creeds will learn to produce infomercials about various miracle cures. And possibly sell fraudulent bracelets designer jewelry.
I say the sooner certain basketball team owners stop doing business here, the sooner we can crawl out of this embarrassing hole and work our way down to number 6 on the misery list. Who’s with me?
Video Source: YouTube.com
Related Articles:
Basketball Stars Sued over Energy-Bracelet Endorsement (Wired)
Power Balance Admits Their Wristbands Are A Scam (Gizmodo)
Power Balance Admits Fraud (Neurologica)
