Nanny Goats in Panties

It Hurts To Take My Pants Off

You know how you go to places like Tucson, Arizona, for the warm weather? Yeah, the day we got there, it was a sweltering 17 degrees, the coldest temperature since something like 1880.

Also? My better half and I caught this nasty snorky bug when we left Tucson so we’ve spent the better part of the weekend horking up our lungs. My body is all achy and my skin is so sensitive that it hurts to go to the bathroom. Not the part when I pee cause that would be a whole ‘nother trip to the doctor, but when I pull my pants down to pee.

I’m telling you this so that you don’t touch me for the next few days.

Meanwhile, here’s a cute Valentine’s Day story. I bought myself a nightshirt at the Hanes Outlet recently.

And I failed to think of the implications on laundry day. As some of you know, my husband does the laundry and I failed to mention this particular purchase to him. So he says to me the other day, “Uhhh, I’m going to be the jealous husband and just ask. What’s with the shirt that says ‘Sending my love’”?

Because nobody buys themSELVES stuff for Valentine’s Day, right? Right?

Wrong. According to several sources, 15% of women send themselves flowers on Valentines Day. Have you ever done that?

The Horrors of T&A. Surgically Speaking, Of Course

Why is it when a friend, let’s say his name is Pivot, why is it when Pivot tells us he is about to fly across the country and he’s nervous about flying, we feel so compelled to launch into our most horrifying plane story we can conjure up?

“Oh my God, Pivot,” we say. “I saw this show where this big commercial jetliner just dropped out of the sky with no warning whatsoever and smacked into a tree and everybody died.”

or…

“So, Pivot, this buddy of mine just flew to Vegas last week and they hit this pocket of turbulence and my buddy smacked his head on the ceiling and blood gushed out, I think he fractured his brain or something, and no doctor was on board and he had to sit there bleeding to death until they landed.”

Poor Pivot. He’s already anxious about flying and we want to scare the poor guy to death. We don’t even realize what we’re doing, but it’s irresistible, isn’t it? The first thought that pops into our minds when someone is about to board the nervous bus is to talk about about the bus that drove down the cliff last year because that is the first thing that pops into our minds. We are addicted to drama.

Are we that desperate to contribute to the conversation and afraid we’ll be too boring if we say something simple, like “Have a nice trip?”

So anyway my husband, MrMudPuppy, is having a tonsilectomy next week. In the doctor biz, this is referred to as a Tonsillectomy and Adenoidectomy, or T&A, because apparently, the four go together. Like Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice.

Say Ahh!

And like chicken pox, a tonsillectomy is much more difficult on an adult than a child, so he’s understandably a little nervous.

NOW! What was your first thought when I said he was a little nervous? Your brain left in search of the worst tonsillectomy story you could think of, didn’t it? DIDN’T IT? And if you didn’t go there right away, you are going there now, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?

I knew it.

Oh all right then, let’s hear your horror story. You know, the one where your friend’s cousin’s building’s janitor knew a guy who knew a guy who wound up in the hospital for 3 years with bolts in his neck because he coughed once after having throat surgery?

Just remember, my husband reads this blog and if I find him shaking and fetal in a sweaty puddle on the kitchen floor later, it will be YOUR fault.

(photo source: stock.xchng)