March, 2009:

Your phone rings. Caller ID says it’s Umbert. You think, Jeez, that’s the third time he’s called today. Ugh, better answer it.

You: Hello?

Umbert: Hey, whatcha doin’?

You: Nothing.

Umbert: …

You: You?

Umbert: Oh, nothing.

And that’s why you never answer the phone when Umbert calls. I mean, he’s a nice guy and all, but he doesn’t add anything to your existence. In fact, he can really suck the life out of a conversation.

Or how about when you’re walking down the hall at the office and Stan from Marketing says, “Hello, how are you?”

You: Fine. You?

Stan: Fine.

And that’s it. Stan looks like he wants to say more, but can’t think of anything, so you keep walking because you don’t want to get stuck in a meaningless conversation and you’ve got way more important things on your mind. Like how you have to go to the grocery store to get some cheese because you’re sick of tacos without cheese for dinner. And how you have to get proper cat food for Xavier because he’s probably sick of cheeseless tacos as well.

An hour later when you’re getting your fourth cup of coffee, you pass Stan from Marketing again and he says, “Hey, how are you?”

You: Fine.

And you already asked him how he was doing before, so why should you ask him again?

You decree right then and there that coworkers should only say hello once. After that you should just half-smile past each other in silence the rest of the day.

Another hour later, you have to pee so bad you walk briskly to the little girls room and that’s when Stan from Marketing says, “Hey, what’s the status on the Smith-Johnson report?” and there’s no short answer. Do you say, “Look man, I gotta pee.” or do you squirm while delivering a quick summary of the damn Smith-Johnson report? Sure, it’s your fault for waiting so long, but you were on an endless conference call, and you set the phone down on your desk, thinking you could sneak down the hall and get back before anyone could notice.

And now here’s Stan the Office Obstacle.

You think you maybe need different people in your life. (♪ Peoplllll… people who need peoplllllll…♪)

You go to a social network event to meet some of these so-called people. And the whole time you ask yourself if you really need more people in your life.

Don’t you have enough people already? Aren’t you sick of people? You’re always saying you’re not a people person, so what are you doing hanging around talking about the weather and the economy and March Madness with these people for?

You come home exhausted and swear off people from now on. You go to work the next day and nobody says hello. They avert their eyes when they swish past you in the hallway. Your phone doesn’t ring all morning and the Smith-Johnson report is done, so you have nothing to do right now. The company doesn’t allow personal internet surfing, so you twiddle your thumbs until lunch. No one seems to be around to go to lunch with so you walk to the roach coach and get a greasy taco (with extra cheese, because you forgot to get cheese while you were at the dang grocery store the night before) and eat it alone at your desk.

Your phone rings after lunch. It’s your boss, Mr. Peabody, calling you into his office.

He never calls you into his office.

As you approach his door, you notice the blinds in the window are closed. You brace yourself for “the talk”. How times are tight and there’s nothing he can do and good luck. You figure out that that’s why nobody would talk to you today. Because they knew.

You knock.

Nothing.

You knock again.

Mr. Peabody:  Come in.

You:  {gulp}

You open the door and the entire office yells “SURPRISE!”. They present you with your favorite birthday cake: chocolate.  Everyone pitched in and gives you presents including a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant: Pedro’s Taco Emporium and Cheese House. While everyone is munching on cake, you find out that Violet who only sits two cubicles away loves all the same Hitchcock and Scorsese movies you do.

Stan from Marketing says, “I’ve been busting all day! I couldn’t even talk to you - I was so afraid of blowing the surprise.” 

You discover that Stan was in the Peace Corp, that he saved the lives of many children.

You never knew Carmen was so funny and she wants to be a writer someday, just like you.

Mr. Peabody asks you to stick around while everyone else leaves his office. He tells you that the Smith-Johnson report was outstanding and that he’s giving you a raise. He also offers you a promotion to their satellite office where you would have the whole office to yourself since everyone else there is constantly traveling.

You look at the pile of chocolate crumbs that used to be the cake and the splayed presents. You see the gorgeous view from Mr. Peabody’s office of the harbor and the blue ocean behind it.  You recall that last joke Carmen made that had you both in hysterics.

Mr. Peabody: What’s wrong?

You: Nothing.

Mr. Peabody: Are you okay?

You: I’m fine….You?