Yes, we went to Hawaii last month, but that was for my Dad who walks real slow, is virtually blind from diabetes, and masticates for a minimum of a hundred minutes at each meal. And then has the audacity to complain (jokingly… sort of..) about how there wasn’t enough food.
I left Hawaii after ten days of that, craving an ocean view room where I could hang out on the lanai all day and watch for whales. Where we could jump into the car, grab a bite to eat, and pay an outrageous amount of money for a meal. Did I also mention that my Dad is cheap and refused to pay more than $10 for a cheeseburger? The deal was, he would pay for lunch and we would pay for dinner. Of course, he never balked at the bazillion dollar steak and seafood dinners that we paid for, but if anybody wanted $11.95 for a burger, they could go jump in the lake.
So anyway, this sequel to Hawaii was our anniversary vacation that started out as a trip to New York and moved quickly westward back to the volcanoes in the Pacific. We reserved an ocean front condo, first class plane tickets, the works. It was just my husband and me. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
Well, obviously I wouldn’t be standing here telling you anything if it was without one epic fail or another. You would have said, “So how’s your trip?” and I would have said, “Fine” and that would have been the end of it.
But no. I’m here to tell you, we check into our room and the landlord has an urgent message for us to call her. She proceeds to tell me that the pond down the way was infested with midges (little mosquito-looking things without stingers) and she thought the first wave that ended 2 days prior was it, but now there’s this new wave, and if we didn’t want to stay there she would understand and she was going to call me earlier but she thought it was over and we could think about it and let her know. Oh, and there’s a bottle of wine in the fridge and a Shop-Vac on the lanai.
Because midges, apparently, are hard on vacuum cleaners.
At first the midges didn’t look like they’d be a big problem. But they had just vacuumed (er, Shop-vacked) the whole place down before we showed up. We decided to give it one night and see.
The next morning, it was obvious that you couldn’t very well suck up a million midges and be done with it…
It was also clear that midges are hard-core partiers who drink too much, pass out at whatever midge bar they’re inebriating themselves, and leave the mess for everyone else to clean up…
We didn’t dare lounge on the lanai. Walking to our car called for full head-to-toe net protection, which we had failed to pack. Did I also mention that the pool was closed for renovation, and the tennis courts were currently being used as a parking lot?
I realize it’s a quirk of mine, but I’d rather not inhale seven midges with each breath I take. And yes, everyone needs a plague now and again to strengthen their character and all, but I’d rather enjoy it for free.
So we drove all over the island looking for alternate accommodations - miles and miles away from those midges and their parents and their parents’ parents.
We went north, young man. And we found a place that was cheaper, bigger and better. This place is perfect. Well, almost perfect. I mean, the sunset view from our lanai is beautiful, although the ocean tends to list a little…
and there is the occasional sea monster…
But you can’t have everything, and when God takes a whiz in the morning, it doesn’t look half bad…
Two bucks duke it out….or do they…? Ask Priscilla!
