Your phone rings. Caller ID says it’s Umbert. You think, Jeez, that’s the third time he’s called today. Ugh, better answer it.
You: Hello?
Umbert: Hey, whatcha doin’?
You: Nothing.
Umbert: …
You: You?
Umbert: Oh, nothing.
And that’s why you never answer the phone when Umbert calls. I mean, he’s a nice guy and all, but he doesn’t add anything to your existence. In fact, he can really suck the life out of a conversation.
Or how about when you’re walking down the hall at the office and Stan from Marketing says, “Hello, how are you?”
You: Fine. You?
Stan: Fine.
And that’s it. Stan looks like he wants to say more, but can’t think of anything, so you keep walking because you don’t want to get stuck in a meaningless conversation and you’ve got way more important things on your mind. Like how you have to go to the grocery store to get some cheese because you’re sick of tacos without cheese for dinner. And how you have to get proper cat food for Xavier because he’s probably sick of cheeseless tacos as well.
An hour later when you’re getting your fourth cup of coffee, you pass Stan from Marketing again and he says, “Hey, how are you?”
You: Fine.
And you already asked him how he was doing before, so why should you ask him again?
You decree right then and there that coworkers should only say hello once. After that you should just half-smile past each other in silence the rest of the day.
Another hour later, you have to pee so bad you walk briskly to the little girls room and that’s when Stan from Marketing says, “Hey, what’s the status on the Smith-Johnson report?” and there’s no short answer. Do you say, “Look man, I gotta pee.” or do you squirm while delivering a quick summary of the damn Smith-Johnson report? Sure, it’s your fault for waiting so long, but you were on an endless conference call, and you set the phone down on your desk, thinking you could sneak down the hall and get back before anyone could notice.
And now here’s Stan the Office Obstacle.
You think you maybe need different people in your life. (♪ Peoplllll… people who need peoplllllll…♪)
You go to a social network event to meet some of these so-called people. And the whole time you ask yourself if you really need more people in your life.
Don’t you have enough people already? Aren’t you sick of people? You’re always saying you’re not a people person, so what are you doing hanging around talking about the weather and the economy and March Madness with these people for?
You come home exhausted and swear off people from now on. You go to work the next day and nobody says hello. They avert their eyes when they swish past you in the hallway. Your phone doesn’t ring all morning and the Smith-Johnson report is done, so you have nothing to do right now. The company doesn’t allow personal internet surfing, so you twiddle your thumbs until lunch. No one seems to be around to go to lunch with so you walk to the roach coach and get a greasy taco (with extra cheese, because you forgot to get cheese while you were at the dang grocery store the night before) and eat it alone at your desk.
Your phone rings after lunch. It’s your boss, Mr. Peabody, calling you into his office.
He never calls you into his office.
As you approach his door, you notice the blinds in the window are closed. You brace yourself for “the talk”. How times are tight and there’s nothing he can do and good luck. You figure out that that’s why nobody would talk to you today. Because they knew.
You knock.
Nothing.
You knock again.
Mr. Peabody: Come in.
You: {gulp}
You open the door and the entire office yells “SURPRISE!”. They present you with your favorite birthday cake: chocolate. Everyone pitched in and gives you presents including a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant: Pedro’s Taco Emporium and Cheese House. While everyone is munching on cake, you find out that Violet who only sits two cubicles away loves all the same Hitchcock and Scorsese movies you do.
Stan from Marketing says, “I’ve been busting all day! I couldn’t even talk to you - I was so afraid of blowing the surprise.”
You discover that Stan was in the Peace Corp, that he saved the lives of many children.
You never knew Carmen was so funny and she wants to be a writer someday, just like you.
Mr. Peabody asks you to stick around while everyone else leaves his office. He tells you that the Smith-Johnson report was outstanding and that he’s giving you a raise. He also offers you a promotion to their satellite office where you would have the whole office to yourself since everyone else there is constantly traveling.
You look at the pile of chocolate crumbs that used to be the cake and the splayed presents. You see the gorgeous view from Mr. Peabody’s office of the harbor and the blue ocean behind it. You recall that last joke Carmen made that had you both in hysterics.
Mr. Peabody: What’s wrong?
You: Nothing.
Mr. Peabody: Are you okay?
You: I’m fine….You?
That is so true. You must have come to wear I work.
I never liked going to those social networking groups..
Mainly because they tend to be filled with the people that I try to avoid while at work!
True story.
I went to one once, just to see if my personal communication skills were up to par, and met up with three coworkers who were also at the meeting.
These three just sat there and nodded the entire night, and added an “uh huh” or “yeah” once or twice the entire session…
Yeah. I don’t go there anymore. Not a good idea for me. I don’t want to out-do the Unabomber because the places I go to are filled with the folks I try to avoid!
Loved this post! And thanks for the gentle reminder not to judge people when they seem inane.
Corporate life encapsulated into one very humorous post! Sometimes I miss the corporate world… but then I smack myself in the head and I’m alright again.
Ach, people! I always say that people are like flowers on the expressway. You gotta pull over sometimes just to smell them. Looking at a rose, we see the thorns but after we get a whiff of them, we realize they’re worth a good sniff. Even if they do embed an occasional rod of misery in our eyes.
Well done, which is exactly how I like my nanny goats.
Happy birthday?
Great!! You nailed it, baby.
You nailed it. Work is just like that, except I work with all girls, so when we pass in the halls, we say spritely, “Hi! I love your outfit.” Or, “Hey! That a new haircut? It makes you look ten years younger!” All smiles and shit. But, it just seems like more meaningful nothingness than when you pass some dumb boy in the hall. I just want to spit my tongue at him. Don’t tell. Please.
I’ve got nothing for you … other than this was brilliant.
Nice! It’s the opposite of how every Office episode ends!
This post totally didn’t go where I thought it was going…
xo
oh no thats so good…
Oh how I wish all of my coworkers would just curl up and die. They talk and talk and talk, and I consistently do not give one single ounce of damn about anything they say. They put the social in my antisocial.
However, if there were presents…
Oh how i hate small talk. Especially with my doorman who i see about 8 million times a day.
Laughing - Loved this!!! :)happy birthday!
Happy, happy birthday. Great post!
Mr. Peabody touched you inappropriately, didn’t he?
It’s okay - you can tell us.
…A.
wonderful slice of life and all its crumbs…
mmm. I need a cupcake now.
This post is lovely, Just great. And a very happy birthday to you! Surprise! How’d I know about your birthday?! I don’t know. I guess I’m just psychic.
Wow. Way too optimistic, idealistic, etc. I’ve never been proven wrong for hating people.
Where did you do your research for this short? After all, you’re still unemployed, aren’t you??!
LOL it was like Office Space and Seinfeld all rolled into one… except that it made me smile!
This is one of the best posts I’ve read in a while. I really liked it. Thanks.
There is a woman in my office that “Hi, how are you”‘s me all day!
It drives me crazy!
Oh and she only gets one “how are you?” from me. If her day went from fine to shitty, I don’t want to know about it.
Hmmm. The Nanny Goats version of the “WHAZZZUP” Budweiser commercials.
That was fan-freaking-tastic.
People. People who need people…I so relate to your show-tune brain. If I didn’t turn mine off it’d be all-jazz-hands-all-the-time.
Great story! And that is why I’m glad I don’t work in an office anymore. People can’t really wear you out.
Can you get me a job at this place?
I’m a minority and ready to pose for the annual reports with the other people of color.
great entertaining story, and congrats on the raise!
Great post !!! I really loved it..
This had a bit of everything I love: snarky, humor, a nice twist at the end. Wonderfully written!
Great post. I work from my house at least 1 day a week, but sometimes you need to be around people. Even if they drive you nuts the majority of the time.
Oh, and it’s ok to tell Stan you are on your way to a bio break and he’ll have to catch you on the way out.
It doesn’t matter, I’ve still sworn off people. Too much committment for too little return.
… just kidding … [snort] That was really funny. Happy birthday and congrats too. Thanks for being one of my Pirate crew. Arrr :o) ⥠â
First off, Happy Birthday and congrats on the raise.
Second, the name Umbert makes me laugh.
You’re a great writer. I’m not liking people too much today, some chocolate cake is definitely needed.
You must need more people around because you seem to have way too much free time on your hands.
Seriously, great post!
Hysterical, but now I know an intervention is required since this is obvious evidence that you’re on drugs.
What a great spin on a perfectly spun story about office speak. Love it!!!
BTW - I used your Nanny’s for my Capricorn blog on Saturday. Thanks for sharing the sandbox toys!
It doesn’t matter. I still hate people.
Oh! Haha, I will watch for it next time, and my original comment still stands….great story!
NBC Must See thursdays got nothing on Must Read Mondays….
LOLOLOL
I loved this post! Thanks for making me grin today!
Love the ending!
Wow. I’d like to come to your office and steal your new friends. I’m new in this godforsaken state and no one here seems to think I’m funny. I think Carmen and I would really hit it off. (Ask her to bring the cake.)
Loved it . . . just like my office except without the party and presents part!
I hope every word of this was true because it was really beautiful. I love when I hear a story about people doing nice things for one another, and being appreciated and appreciating in return. It was funny and it was beautiful and there was love in it. Thank you for that.
Great story.
True? - Congrats on the raise!
Utter Fiction? - Great story telling and imagination!
Now see I would be ok with being in an office by myself. Oh WAIT I AM! I do miss the office hi-jinks though. Like Jimmy taking pictures of his own poop and then changing everyone’s screen savers to that picture…
Ok maybe I DO like working alone.
Crap! I think we might work together.
That would be funner if you really worked, ….. no no it wouldn’t its funny as hell no matter what!
Ha! Great story, I adore a tale that turns itself around in the end…….Happy Bday!
I was beginning to wonder how Stan got his job in Marketing - thank the Lord he does have a personality. I didn’t see a bright future for your company.
Excellent.
Wow … really wonderful writing. Makes me think really hard about my choices and actions towards other people, particularly co-workers.
I’ve NEVER had a day like yours! Now another reason to sit here having a pity party………all alone.
NO just funny, but an eye opener as well.
Great post
Oh, now THAT warms the cockles of my little heart. Well done.
Very cute
brilliant. that’s what you are. totally brilliant.
stan, umbert, carmen, and mr. peabody think so too.
Someday I’d like to have a day like that.
Loves it.
Happy Birthday. Mine’s tomorrow. Are you old, too?
Pretty funny story there, but I’m confused and I do have two questions. Is/Was it your birthday? And… did you forget that it was your birthday?
Great job telling that story: good form, good technique, a coupla extra points for degree-of-difficulty AND you stuck the landing (!)
Have a good week
You’re hilarious.
That’s all I have to say this morning.
You’re freakin’ funny.
I can only second what everyone else has said. Great!!
Wonderful!! It’s like “Office Space”, but with a different spin.
MORE, MORE!!
Phil
I really like how you wrote that.
I love how people keep you on your toes. Just when you think the world sucks, it suprises you.
Have a great week.
deep, deep thoughts runnin through my head right now…that was amazing!
You’re right! It was just like watching an episode of Seinfeld. I never knew nothing could be so funny
I love your writing!