How to Do Coinstar. Also? Win "Marrying George Clooney"

Everybody has a change purse. Some look like this:

or this:

Mine looks like this:

That's Lacy, the NGIP mascot, if you haven't met her yet.

Time to cash it in! And if you can get your butt over to a Coinstar machine by December 6, they will give you an extra $10.00 if you cash in $40.00 or more. The official rules regarding the $10 Coinstar rebate can be found at http://www.coinstar.com/us/html/q4_officialrules.

You might be saying, "But Margaret (or Nanny Goats, or Hey You, or whatever) I'm scared of those machines. I'll do it all wrong and lose ten dollars in the process. Can you help me?"

But of course! Here's what you do.

First, find the closest Coinstar location near you by visiting http://locator.coinstar.com. Mine was a Raley's grocery store.

Second, put your money in one of those green recyclable shopping bags. Go to the appointed grocery store and as you enter, avert your eyes away from the panhandler who will ask if you have any spare change.

Next, wander around the store, tasting all the food in the bulk aisle, until you encounter the Coinstar machine.

Cue Heavenly chorus music

Approach the machine with awed reverence. You may wish to kiss it or not. It's up to you, but it's about to give you ten free dollars, pal. Whip out your money jar with a flourish and press the START button on the screen.

Right about now, you're probably saying, "Hey, I just want to cash in my coins." No you don't. There is a reason you should choose Buy Prepaid Products and not Cash in Coins.

But there is no fee if you take the money in the form of a Prepaid Product, such as a gift card. So just let me finish and stop interrupting. If you have any questions, just save them for the end. Now where was I? Oh yeah. Select eCertificates.

Then select your gift card destination of choice, such as Amazon.com.

I realize you're tempted to interrupt here and ask me if it's true that Nanny Goats in Panties is available on the Amazon Kindle, but that would be rude because I'm in a real groove here so, less of the talking and more of the listening, okay?

You'll go through a couple more screens and then it's time to start pouring it in!

Lift up that red handle on the left periodically to facilitate the process.

 Watch the money add up on the screen.

Keep pouring and realize that those stupid penny rolls you've had since college have once again presented themselves.

Notice that there is someone else now waiting to use the machine as you stop to break open these pesky logs o' pennies. (Not to mention the fact that you keep stopping to snap a picture of this mundane exercise every 90 seconds)

Take too long to open the pennies and snap pictures so that the machine thinks you're done and starts printing out your gift card receipt even though you haven't reached the $40 minimum for the $10 rebate.

Curse under your breath.

Start the whole process again and worry that you won't make it to the $40 minimum this time. Apologize to the woman behind you. Debate telling her that you're doing this for your readers, that you have a blog. Imagine the strange looks you'll get from her as her patient smile fades, giving way to irritation. Decide not to say anything and press the stupid buttons as fast as you can to show how earnest you are in letting her have her turn already. Check her grocery cart to make sure she doesn't have ice cream melting onto the floor.

Grab your receipts, thank the lady behind you for her patience, and get out of her way.

And now for the fun part. Can you guess how much total money I had in my money jar? Here's the picture again.

The FIFTEEN closest guesses will get a personally signed copy of Amy Ferris' awesomely funny memoir, Marrying George Clooney.    Click here to enter:  Enter Marrying George Clooney Giveaway.

UPDATE:  THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED TO ENTRIES

Also: My review of Marrying George Clooney, by Amy Ferris. Her book is also available on Kindle.

And: Amy Ferris' blog, Marrying George Clooney.