My diabetic, cynical father’s joke-telling seems to be limited to two subjects:
- His Stomach: “That was a good Triple Decker Mile-High Pile-High sandwich, but I wish there was more (chortle chortle!)”
- His Wallet: “Oh, if you want to give me too much change, that’s okay by me (har har!)”
His attempts at humor make for an embarrassing situation every time I take him out to eat or run errands. It’s bumper sticker humor: I’ve heard it a million times. It also tests the comeback skills of food servers and other merchants everywhere. Are these really jokes and poor ones at that? Or are they merely hints at manipulating people into giving him free stuff?
We’re at the bank the other day and my mostly-blind, hard-of-hearing father asks the teller behind the sound-dampening, bullet-proof glass window to repeat himself. Dad needs to sign a deposit slip. I pull out a dark credit card to help him find where to sign the slip of paper the teller has shoved underneath the glass.
And then comes the part where he wants to withdraw cash. He wants to take out $400 and tries to do the math in his head as he outlines his demands.
“Gimme two fifties… eleven twenties… uh, eight tens…. six fives…ten ones… and a roll of dollar coins.”
Invariably we have to redo the breakdown until it adds up to exactly $400. He has to have the dollar coins because for some reason, he has a virtual religious belief in “circulating” them. He’s a mint evangelist is what he is. He leaves these coins as tips. He thinks it’s funny to fool food servers into thinking he’s giving them quarters and then have them realize it’s really dollars. Ha ha. What’s not so funny is that he’s a cheap tipper, even with dollars. I always throw down more money when he isn’t looking because he thinks ten percent is a good tip.
In spite of his patience-trying ways, I have to say, the bank tellers are always nice to him. Nevertheless, I was mortified the other day, when the teller asked my father if there was anything else he could do and Dad says, “Yeah, do you have any free samples?”
Free samples???? At a bank??? GAHHH!!!!!
If I didn’t love him, I’d smack him.
Without skipping a beat, the teller said he did, reached into his drawer and slid this to my father underneath the glass:
I know!
And now I have a question for you: How many of you actually added up my dad’s money breakdown to see if it added up to $400? Also, what did it add up to, because I have no idea. I was picking the denominations and quantities arbitrarily. So I apologize if you went to all that trouble for nothing and what kind of OCD freak are you anyway, checking my math like that?
Kindle Tip of the Day
I was concerned that my many thousands and thousands of Kindle readers would be missing out on the awesome photos provided for their enjoyment on NGIP. Pictures appear smaller, not to mention in black-and-white, on the Kindle. However, I just recently discovered on my own Kindle that if you move your cursor to the photo and click, you can enlarge it. Yay!
But sometimes it enlarges it too much and it comes out blurry. In my constant strive to make the NGIP experience a stellar one to my Kindle readers, I hope to find out how reduce the amount of gray pea soup showing up on your Kindle screen when you click to enlarge. Also, it may be more of a problem with the Kindle DX, which has a larger screen.
If you or anyone you know has any advice on how to help resolve this picture issue on Kindle, I’m all ears. (margaret atsign nannygoatsinpanties period com)
Your dad sounds hilarious and actually reminds me of my husband who makes funny comments like that a lot. As does my brother and my grandfather. =)
I LOVE that the bank gave him “samples” Too funny!!!
I used to be mortified by my dad's polyester slacks matched with plaid flannel shirts, until I realized that no one else cared and I could just secretly laugh to myself at how ridiculous he was. It seems your dad would have the same effect on me – your story is hilarious! I wonder if the 10% tip is a generational thing – my dad did that, too (and I also threw down extra cash when he wasn't looking), in spite of his general generosity.
You gotta take what you can get from the banks. They got a fair bit of your money last year.
I did add it up, but got stuck because I don't know how many dollars are in a roll.
I officially LOVE YOUR DAD. HOW FUNNY! I can picture you at Ihop with him, rolling your eyes as he jokes with the server. And didn't he get one on YOU, with them HAVING a free sample at the bank!!! Thanks for making me smile – I needed it!
I don't think we'll have to worry about our Kindle readers much longer as all the new e-readers are coming out in color! GAH.
But will the new readers have blogs available?
Oh I was looking through the comments and only one person added ! Yes it's $440 and I went further by 'adjusting' to the correct amount – two $50s + ten $20s + five $10s + six $5 + ten $1s and ten $1 coins.
Bless your dad ! 🙂
Aw, bless YOU Jaffar. And your OCD. 🙂
well, I ran the figures….
Oh good grief, now what?
You have your dad's number…? maybe we can do lunch.
He will need his free sample nickel, it is gonna be dutch treat!
I tend to spout my own old one-liners over and over myself. Perhaps that doesn't bode well for my daughter a few years from now.
Oh – and about the Kindle tip – I'll be able to offer more advice once one of my readers has an issue. That'll probably happen after I have a reader 😉
Hi honey! : )
I just wanted you to know I'm still here and I still love you – I am just a total FAIL at commenting!
stopping by from SITS… hugs to you for your patience in dealing with your dad, I'm sure he appreciates it 🙂
That's hysterical, I love your dad. And I'd like some Kindle samples, please.
Nope I didn't even attempt the math. I think your dad sounds like a real character. Maybe that's because he doesn't embarrass me, but I thought the free samples question was great – and he got one 😉
My Dad believes in $2 bills and Sacajawea dollar coins. It's his personal mission to keep them in circulation. As a former waitress, I think he's a pain in the ass.
OMG – I forgot about 2 dollar bills. What is it with these guys insisting to push their favorite money on others? 😀
Old guys being perverse. They think they're being funny and because
they're old no one is going to argue with them about it.
Asking for a free sample at a bank is such a smarta** maneuver, I was instantly a little jealous of your dad. There are some things you can't pull off until other people see you as old and harmless. But then, the actual free sample blows my mind! If a marketer spent the time to come up with that, then there must be many people who ask for a free sample at banks. Perhaps this is a nation of smart alecks. I would be so proud. Alas, we're also a nation full of marketers. Your dad sounds fun and by that I mean I'd enjoy an afternoon with him but be happy to hand the old coot back to you and go my merry way.
oops….
I”m at http://www.moredoors.blogspot.com
That's OK Beth. Your blog's URL shows up in your first comment as a link because you filled it in in the comment form. I wish everybody would put it in as it makes it easier to go visit people on their blogs.
joanna thought you might like my photo from yesterday….and there's going to more goat action today…..
I truely need to meet your Father, what a hoot, he seems to be! Possibly we could have a virtual beer/coffee. I would love to hear his take on, solving the worlds problems.
Enjoy your blog. Glad I stopped…to read…
Peace.
When we went out to eat, my dad always rumbled that he'd 'like a waitress to go, please'. He also had a tendency to go on about how cute they were. In front of my mother. As my daughter would put it, “Awkward turtle”
Confession: I DID add it up. It was $440, plus the roll of dollars, and I don't know how many of them make up a roll. Even worse, I did half of it in my head and finished up with the calculator I always have sitting on my desk. I'm a geek, a nerd, and no wonder my cat disdains me.
HA!! I LOVE that you added it up. It shows I know my OCD peeps! 🙂
Ah yes, the joys of of parents still being embarrassing, but now they aren't trying to be…lol. You're right though, if we didn't love them, we'd smack 'em!
And no, I didn't add up the money. I thought about it for a second & then thought & second were gone. Have a great week! (((HUGS)))
Free samples from a bank. Classic. I love your dad's humor. It reminds me of my grandpa who tried to make everyone chuckle with his 90 year old humor when he was alive. His kick off was calling his female grandchildren boys. He did this for as many years as I've been alive. “How you boys doin' today?” He'd say this every morning in the summer at breakfast.
See? Now that's funny! I guess the grandpa grass is greener in someone else's family.
A “mint evangelist”– That's a great line.
Your dad sounds like a pretty cool guy to me 🙂
xo
“How many of you actually added up my dad's money breakdown to see if it added up to $400?”
Um.
Not. Me.
I cant add 2 + 2 without a calculator!
Math & Meleah DON'T Mix!
And, I think your dad is pretty entertaining!
Margaret, Is it time that I tell them my “Airplane Story”?
ACK!! I don't think they're ready yet.
Obviously your dad isn't the first one to ask for free samples at the bank. It's nice all that bail out money has been converted to nickels.
I don't do math.
As for reading NGIP more clearly they could always read it on their iphone where you can easily enlarge and ensmall the type.
I am loving the bank that has free samples. How funny! As for the tipping, I used to have to do that with my grandparents too, as they thought 10% was quite sufficient. I think it's a generational thing: it didn't used to be the case in the 40s or 50s that waitstaff worked for nothing but tips as they pretty much do now.
Margaret- You are the coolest in so many ways!!
Oh I added. . . you didn't want us to????
I stopped after the eight tens though. . . knew the rest was fluff
Your dad is too funny… I can't believe he really got a free sample from the bank, that is adorable.
Gotta love those crazy dads. I hope my hubby embarrasses my kids that way in a few years!!
“His attempts at humor make for an embarrassing situation every time I take him out to eat or run errands.”
And ma wonders why I don't like to take him anywhere. Thank you! Also, he would have had to stop at “eight tens” for it to add up to $400. The rest puts him about $40-$60 over (don't know how much is in the roll).
Wow! I was closer than I would have guessed. And there are 25 coins in a roll of dollars. And if YOU took him to the bank, you'd KNOW that! (kidding – you probably have taken him to the bank, actually)
Umm, well actually I did, using the adding machine on my desk but I got a little stuck because I have no idea how coins there in a roll of dollar coins…guessing maybe 10?
Ah, good point. Well, a roll of dollar coins has 25 coins in it, so….carry
on.
😀
Your dad and my dad never should meet.
They will just trade these Dadisms back and forth, with no end, until one of them dies.
It will be like two equally-matched chess-playing computers duking it out in Dadland.
Add? I was too busy laughing as you recounted the endless joy of chaperone-ing your dad. Mine is only in his mid-fifties and never stops remarking on how he 'can't wait until he can sit about and drool on himself and make other people change his diapers'. Sick man, what?
Some people's parents.
My dad had a cache of jokes that he pulled from on predictable occasions. We'd heard them all for so long, we had code references to them: “Oh, yeah, this is the Whirlpool-Benton-Harbor story.” Or “Ah, the Masters Tournament story.” We enjoyed our behind-his-back-eye-rolls. This next part isn't really funny. When he was fading with dementia, we were all glad we knew the stories by heart; he began to forget and confuse pieces, and we were able to cue him back on track. And we actually found them funny again. I worry about the time when I can't remember his stories anymore.
Well, if your dad went back and asked for another sample 7,999 times, he would have his $400, and all in nickles. Hah! Let me know when he hits $20, I want to be there for that exchange.
What a coincidence. Your dad was apparently my first husband. LOL.
OMG – I LOVE the free sample! That is awesome! I remember the old days going to the bank with Grandpa – all the tellers knew him. He flirted with every single one of them and just loved it.
If you ask for enough free samples from the bank … how long would it take to buy a gallon of gasoline??
I'm afraid gas prices rise faster than you can ask for another free sample, so you might not ever get that gallon!
All of us who are 'helping' our agin' parents feel your pain and laughter. They really have to stop messin' with the inspectors at the airports. It is really not funny to say ” oh she has a gun hidden in her purse.” Not funny, unless you are an unrelated observer! Heeeheehe
Have a great day from the queen of various disorders!
Maybe if you gave us all kindles we would subscribe…..
Old bank tellers never die they just add and subtract.
No math from me- please, I'm here for the GOATS.
My friend's favorite thing to say in a diner when ordering breakfast and asked what toast he wants is “rye do you ask?” harde, har har.
“Rye do you ask?” Bwa-HAHAHAHA!!!!! OK, I've never heard that one before. And I'd definitely laugh the first time I heard it, but yeah, a one-trick humor pony for me gets really old really fast.
I didn't do the math either! LOL!! No OCD here! My father never did those kinds of jokes; but now he is no longer with us. I too am glad that you leave the appropriate “extra” tip money for him. Sounds like your dad is trying to do the best that he can.
Hugs
SueAnn
My dad is just like that… not quite as old, but always trying to be funny. Oh and he's loud too.
My mom and I just have to stare at him and wonder what he's thinking half the time.
Uh, nooooo… I didn't do the math! You father sounds like quite a character! Kudos to the bank, that's an interesting “free sample”.
And from all waiters, waitresses and servers, a great big THANK YOU for leaving a bigger tip. We only make about $2.00 an hour, and tips are our very SURVIVAL. You cannot even imagine unless you are trying to raise a family on next to nothing.