Man Sues For Right To Take Dog’s Name

A Los Angeles man claims that the state of California will not allow him to take his dog’s last name when they marry later this month. Gary Schwernske, an accountant, is suing California and Los Angeles County, claiming a denial of equal protection.

Mr. Schwernske’s dog, Frederick Postman, say they just want what every married couple already enjoys under the law.

“If I were a woman, they wouldn’t have a problem with it,” says the frustrated soon-to-be-groom.

Indeed, California’s law allows a woman to change her name when getting married by simply checking a box on the marriage application and paying the nominal application fee.

But Mr. Schwernske faces more than legal difficulties involving his marriage to Frederick.

“First of all, this state still does not recognize gay marriage,” says John Corman of the Boys Acquiring Rights For Freedoms (BARFF) organizations. “And unless Freddy is willing to undergo a sex change operation, I don’t see how Mr. Schwernske is going to pull this off.”

Mr. Schwernske, undeterred by the gay issue, says surgery is not an option. “I would never ask Freddy to do that. I am going to fight this no matter what it takes.”

Some of Schwernske’s co-workers feel he’s just doing it for the attention. Gail Swarthmore, who shares a cubicle with Schwernske, does not approve of her cubicle mate’s behavior. “Everyone around here knows he’s doing it just to make me jealous. He’s not even gay anyway.”

Schwernske’s mother, Mrs. Schwernske, agrees. “I could see it if he was a woman. I mean, that would make more sense, wouldn’t it?”

If Mr. Schwernske’s history of protests counts for anything, he will be fighting this matter for a long time. In 2004, Mr. Schwernske, petitioned against his then-employer to have Frederick included in his company’s health benefits package. Mr. Schwernske claimed discrimination at that time, but a spokesperson for the company stated that Freddy was denied inclusion because of a pre-existing condition.

When asked how long he would be willing to fight this battle, Mr. Schwernske replied, “I think I speak for the both of us when I say I am determined to set a precedent here. No one has ever had the nerve to step up like this. I just want to do what’s right. In my heart, I know I’m a Postman, and a Postman I’ll be.”