Bullet Proof Vests Now Required in the Kitchen

So there I was at the Farmer's Market the other day, you know the one in Sacramento in that parking lot downtown, underneath what some of us old-timers call the WX freeway? What's that thing called now? Anyway, I came across something I don't recall seeing before, but I can only assume I ignored them all the time and became sensitized to them when I was served flowers at a Hollywood restaurant recently...

I stood there like a tourist and took a picture of these squash blossoms, attempting nonchalance, because what idiot takes pictures of vegetables at the Farmer's Market? I mean, really. I've never seen anyone take a picture there. People are too busy pushing and shoving to get to the perfect basket of strawberries, ignoring the fact that this is a civilized society, people and there's a line here, buddy, I want to pay for my avocados too you know and I got here before you! That is what normally happens at these places. Anybody stopping to snap a photo is just plain cuckoo and should be made fun of.

Less than a minute later and further down the aisle, I walked past a woman pulling out her camera and exclaiming, "Oh! I've never seen THESE before." And then click, click click.

Was she crazy? A camera at the Farmer's Market? Didn't we just go over this? Honestly!

So I whipped out my camera again, just so I could show you what she found so fascinating...

Good Heavens, with ingredients like squash blossoms and torpedo onions, what kind of violent offensive would a cook execute in his or her kitchen? Hammunition Surprise? Blood Red Velvet Cake? Firecracker Quiche in a Nuclear Fusion Sauce? I mean, yeah, they sound yummy and all, but the next time you're at Joe's Landmines and Chop Suey Bistro, and the guy at the next table blurts out, "This soup is the bomb!", take cover.


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NGiP would like to thank Drowsey Monkey for adding Nanny Goats In Panties to her blog roll. Every time I visit her blog, I smile, because penguins roam around in the side bar and penguins make the corners of my mouth reach for my ears. Today (Saturday) is Drowsey Monkey's 1 year Bloggiversay, so go over there and say Congrats! And tell her Nanny Goats sent ya!

It's All Fun and Games until Someone Loses an Eye

Hermosa Beach is one of those towns where if you have a friend who lives there and you visit her on a sunny Sunday, and her newly remodeled house is a block from The Strand and you WALK along this Strand to some totally hip, French Bistro for lunch, you go home feeling like you suck in comparison. Your house is a hovel. You are so not cool, not to mention that after strolling past all the volleyball players on the beach, you are now fat and pasty white as well. Oh God, why do you even bother to leave the house any more? What reason do you have to live, really?   

 

So anyway, when I first arrived at my friend's house, before my low self-worth set in, I took a picture of her cute little dog...

 

 

Her name is Wink. Can you guess why?

 

That's right. It's because she only has one eye.

 

Now, in a country where it's not OK to tell jokes like "What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?", is it politically correct to name your poor one-eyed barker 'Wink'? I'm sorry, what I meant to ask was, is it politically correct to name your optical-quantity-challenged canine 'Wink'?

 

I don't think she knows she's a one-eyed freak of a dog, but that doesn't mean if you repeatedly call her that name followed by a fit of giggles, that eventually her own self-esteem won't be crushed.

 

Actually, Wink is spoiled rotten and everyone who meets her fawns over her and asks to babysit her and she's welcome at many restaurants where the servers will wait on her hand and foot. Or paw. Or whatever. AND she lives in a gorgeous house in Hermosa Beach - did you see that hardwood floor? And if she's taken too far for a walk, she gets carried the rest of the way like a baby. This furball may as well be wearing a tiara with her pink bow. 

And if this princess is ever disturbed by the proverbial pea, she can enroll in Doga (yoga for dogs and no, I'm not kidding... I wonder what they call the dog pose... or is that like asking what they call watermelons in Louisiana?) This little furball would just need to be sure to remove her diamond-encrusted tiara before class so as not to accidentally poke her precious little head while wrapping her legs back behind her neck and breathing properly.

 

Bitch.

 

Not that I'm jealous or anything. I mean, I may not have a house by the beach, but at least I have two eyes. HA! And I don't have to bust a gut waiting all day for someone to come home just so I can pee. Double HA!

 

 

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NGiP would like to thank Tina over at The Bigger They Get for adding Nanny Goats to her blog roll. I loved Tina's recent post entitled Newsletter: Month Two Hundred Sixty Four.  It's a birthday card to her son.  It's beautifully written, moving and funny.

 

There's Nothing To See Here

Today's post is sick of my cooking and has decided that it can no longer stand the sight of me. So, when I said "Why don't you just leave, then?" it called my bluff.

Before I start enabling its behavior by coddling to its spoiled rotten attitude, you'll have to click one more time to get to it. For some reason, it likes a blog called No Cleaning Here more than NGIP. I ask it to vacuum the dust bunnies once a week and it thanks me by going to a blog that promises no more need to do housework???  Please go to the post at this link to read my post for today.


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A thousand Thank Yous to Stephanie over at No Cleaning Here who asked me to be a guest blogger on her site today.

Maidenhead, Revisited

I visited my first internet porn site today. And while I willingly clicked on a link to get to it, I didn't know that was where I was going. Although with a name like Assopedia, what did I expect? I'm no prude but Jesus Christ, I hadn't even had my coffee yet and I was just checking my web statistics to see where people came from to get here and this, this,... blog of blow jobs (for lack of a better - or cleaner - description) shoves itself in my face (so to speak).

But did I immediately click away? Hell no. Now that Mr Ass O. Peedia had my number on his stats page, it was too late to leave undetected. Granted, I didn't want to further be seen as lurking for more than 2 seconds, but I was on a mission, dammit, and I had work to do. So I scrolled through the muck, stepped over naked bodies and slurpy sounding links, looking for a reference to "Nanny Goats In Panties" because SOMEBODY got to my site from this godawful place. Somebody from Romania who should have been in church on a Sunday.  Praying to God to save his soul! Repenting for his sinful thoughts! 

Now I'm not a prude, or maybe I am, what the hell do I know? And I know that such sites exist. I just don't subject myself to it and when stumbling out of bed with bad sleep breath and eye-boogers, I'm not exactly thinking, "Yeah I could really go for some RedTube videos right about now". I've been to sex shows in Amsterdam for Chrissakes, but there's a time and a place, ya know? (And as Chef would say, it's called college).

This blog is just out there for any child to see - how do you parents keep your kids out of these places?

I shielded my eyes from the horror as I waded through looking for the NGIP link, certain I was breaking some law by being there (I told you this was my first time, a virgin if you will, a maiden voyage if you will again, on an "adult" site, I don't know what to do in these situations other than completely freak out).

I figured there must have been some mistake, you know, some random link generator that snatched (oops, pardon me) my blog's name thinking it was a good and nasty site involving nannies and their undergarments and slapping it (oops, pardon me again) up onto their link list. But I couldn't find it and I was afraid that any minute some internet cop was going to come (oops - darn these double innuendos!) over and arrest me and my face would be plastered all over CNN and my family would be humiliated (well, some might congratulate me, or welcome me over to their side, actually).

So I left that nasty place, swearing I would never visit it again. It's gross, demeaning to women, and shocking as all get out.

But not before I bookmarked it. You know, just in case the FBI needs me to testify against these awful, awful people, and I'll need a reference to jog my memory because no doubt I will repress these horrible, icky images until the trial.


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I was going to wait until another post to thank Unfinished Rambling(s) for adding NGIP to his blog roll, because maybe he'd be offended at being linked to in the same post as the subject matter above, but then I remembered his post about man boobs, so he can't be all that upset about it. Granted it's not all man boobs all the time. Sometimes he talks about pens. (That's PENS! Without an "i", you pervs.) And any blog that pictures and quotes Christopher Walken's SNL dialogue rules.

NGIP would like to give a shout out to Extremely Funny for adding NGIP to his blog roll. I do this without hesitation, due to the fact that I counted no less than 7 scantily clad breasts on the first page of his blog, so I'm guessing he doesn't have a problem accompanying a blog post about [whispers-->] s. e. x.   Thank you Extremely Funny! You stumble and you rock!


And how convenient is it that I already have "weenie" and "taco" to choose from in my list of previously used labels to categorize this post? (...sorry, that was an inside joke between me and my label maker and it was tasteless and I should have kept it to myself... I sincerely apologize for that rude outburst.)

Succumbing to Drew Barrymore's Boyfriend

So anyway, I got this pen for my birthday last week:

OK, it's not a pen...it's a friggin' laptop!

I'm completely new to Mac, so there is a bit of a learning curve. Apparently, at some point I will become a religious zealot about it and refuse to understand how you ignorant PC users could POSSIBLY still be using your Draconian lead bricks. Luddites! (see? it's already starting.)

During this transition, I will be nothing short of a confused child, victimized by a bitter divorce, trying to sympathize with each of my parents as they battle it out for the blue teeth and thumb drives.  I will be shuttled between Seattle and Silicon Valley on the weekends and 2 weeks in the summer.

And the lies! 

"You mother drained my bank account. She always had to have the most expensive version of everything!"

"When your father and I made love, his operating system would crash halfway through. Did he ever tell you THAT?"


As I put away my new laptop at the airport last weekend, the lady standing next to me in line uttered, "So it really is that thin."

That's what she said.

Let the record show, that was my first "That's what she said" reference.


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NGIP would like to thank Zen Mom for adding Nanny Goats In Panties to her her blog roll. A former reporter, Zen Mom is an excellent and thoughtful writer. If you're a Joss Whedon fan you might enjoy her recent post entitled Strong Women Characters.

And another thing, MJ over at Note To Self is crazy. But crazy for a cause. She's doing a blogathon starting at 9am EST tomorrow (Saturday), where she will post a new blog entry every 30 minutes for 24 hours. Can you imagine either blogging every 30 minutes OR staying awake for 24 hours? ACK! It's madness! You can visit her blog and watch her all day tomorrow and give her some comment love. Any $donations$ go to benefit HUGS (Helping Uplift Grieving Survivors). She's got all the info on her blog. Also, there's a cool prize for the people who support her the bestest!