Ever since I began dating this dude who had the audacity to live four hundred miles away from me, I have been traveling back and forth between Sacramento and Los Angeles. That started sometime in 1998. I have been ignoring listening to phrases like “seatbacks”, “tray tables” and “upright position” on a more-or-less weekly basis [...]

How was my New Year’s Eve Party, you ask? Fantastic, but now it’s back to the drugs: I don’t get sick that often and when I do, the symptoms can differ from the previous snork fest so that every time I go to the medicine cabinet at the onset of a cold, any drugs I [...]

Nobody likes a whiner, but nothing gets my whiny engine roaring faster than bearing witness to the unfairness of life. “Living in the Moment” was never my thing and I blame my mother for that (that’s right, I’m a victim - see? I’m already whining.). She raised me to consider the consequences of my actions. [...]

Well thank God THAT’S over. Christmas sucks. For me, anyway. It’s that dreaded time of year when I am forced to spend “quality” time with loved ones. Blech! Ptui! - I say. My loved ones (and while I use that term repeatedly, I use it loosely) are a bunch of two-bit half-wits. Take my eighteen-year-old [...]

Stringed popcorn doesn’t last more than two minutes at the Nanny Goats household, let alone make it onto the Christmas tree. I’m busy stringing one end while cousin Billy Goat is gnawing on the other end. He’s such a pig. I feel like a ten-year old at Christmas. Why? Because I have yet to figure out how [...]

You haven’t slept until you’ve laid yourself down on an pillowy mattress, covered in heavy blankets on a cool night, in a duplex, sharing a wall with a couple of reformed crack addicts, a few yards away from the railroad tracks. Here, I’ll show you: Every night, the 1:00AM Express barreled through, shaking the windows [...]

While modern technology has ostensibly made our lives easier, it has also created many opportunities to ruin our lives. With just one click. Oh sure, it’s funny when it happens to somebody else. My friend, Ingrid (not her real name), was driving around in her car when she called. “Hello?” I said. I knew it [...]

They say it’s different between men and women. Personally, I store my fat here: When I was a kid, my mother used to have this thing, this metal, adjustable, spring-loaded contraption that clipped onto the top of any frying pan, like a lid, but with holes and you just tilted your pan and poured the [...]

[Author's Note: due to some confusion by some readers, let me clarify that the story below is just a silly made-up piece of fiction. OK, as you were...] My boyfriend can stand still for hours. In fact, he’s so good at it, he does it for a living. Must have been all those years in [...]

Dear Fat Cells, I have a bone to pick with you. You are a million tiny dark clouds that, en masse, have been growing inside of me, haunting me. Terrorizing me, really. You are like pigeons who hang around garbage dumpsters, waiting for half-eaten burritos. You are scavengers who lie in wait scooping up pancake [...]